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15 votes, average: 3.67 out of 515 votes, average: 3.67 out of 515 votes, average: 3.67 out of 515 votes, average: 3.67 out of 515 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5 (15 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)
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Published by Ieatmeat on 15 Sep 2008

Archery Talk: 6 Steps to World Class

I was introduced to Archery Talk by a close friend over a year ago. In that time I have poured through countess threads and have tripled my knowledge regarding bow hunting techniques, tactics, gear and a plethora of other topics. I have viewed hundreds of photos, agreed and disagreed with hundreds of opinions, and sacrificed hours of work as a result. (It is a good thing it was my boss who introduced me to Archery Talk!)
I believe these forums to be one of the best in the hunting world. It allows archers (hunters) from many backgrounds to share their best practices, successes and failures with each other. Through all of my time spent lurking about in the AT forums (specifically the Bowhunting forum), I have observed several idiosyncrasies that, if modified, can bring Archery Talk to a “World Class” level. As with everything stated in AT, take it or leave it; which brings us to number 1:
1) It isn’t personnel! If something does become too personnel, that is what the Mods are for. These forum’s foundations are based ENITRELY on opinions. Don’t let someone’s opinion dictate a negative response. Many threads seem to start to spurn heated discussions. Usually ignoring said comments will squash the situation leaving more time and energy to “quality” threads. If you absolutely cannot hold back simply (and politely) state your opinion and agree to disagree.
2) Use the search function. I do not have many posts. There are two reasons for this: 1. There is almost always a user that shares the same opinion as myself and has posted it already. 2. I use the search function. I have had many questions regarding gear, scents, strategies, etc. Instead on jumping right into creating a new thread, I search the topic first. 9 times out of 10 there are several threads that address my question(s) that have already been posted. Not only does this save me from waiting for some answers, it cuts down on some of the “noise” in the forums. Do we really need to see another post of pictures of the color of our fletchings?
3) Enough with the broadhead complaints and comparisons! Refer to number 2! Until (If) we get a sub-category for broadheads can we cut down the broadhead bashing? (refer to number 4) The exception to this is where there have been a true comparison test (there have been a couple tests done through phone books, steel drums, etc)…with pictures!
4) Take responsibility! Even with the high quality of our equipment there is a lot of blame placed on it. While I do not discount that there are equipment failures, I would be willing to bet that most of the “failures” are operator errors or miscalculations. Even when our equipment does let us down, it is more likely an operator oversight or unpreparedness. I speak from experience. There have been several instances where I wanted to blame gear before I realized it could have been avoided with more practice (I speak of more than just target practice). Also, do not jump to the conclusion of failure when it may be simply something not fitting to your style of shooting, hunting, etc.
5) Prevent fodder for the anti-hunter groups. AT was designed for the sharing of knowledge within the archery community. If we continue to attack each other, this will only give fuel to the anti-hunting groups. Unfortunately we are a minority. We don’t need to hold hands and sing Kumbaya, however, we should avoid personal attacks at all costs.
6) Reply without the pictures. When replying to a post, don’t include the pictures from that post. We should remember what pictures the thread is about. Including the pictures in a reply only slows down our personal computers as well as the servers.
I will always enjoy reading many of the threads posted on Archery Talk. The above suggestions are merely that; suggestions to make AT better for everyone. If you disagree, that is great! That is what AT is for and what our country stands for. However, prior to responding, please refer to number 1.

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Published by Acts 10.13 on 13 Sep 2008

Most Unsuccessful Hunt of a Lifetime

The final day of deer hunting with my grandpa before his death was largely unsuccessful. 

Not unsuccessful because of a lack of deer-sightings or unsuccessful because of an off-target arrow that took flight.  Because to me success is not merely harvesting an animal.  Success is being able to fool your quarry.  To sneak into their woods, their home, their turf and to fool their eyes, ears and nose into believing that you’re just another piece of normality.

My last hunt with the man who passed his hunting heritage to my father and I was unsuccessful because I didn’t listen to him.  My beekeeping Grandpa put me into what I would ironically call his “honey hole.”  And he gave me very loud, very specific instructions when he and my dad dropped me off.  (Much like my father and my father’s father, I have little to no awareness of the volume of my voice.  Just ask my wife.) 

“Go into the woods until you hit an ‘ol fence layin’ ‘cross the ground.  Cross that fence and go about fifty yards up the side of that mountain.  To yer right is a big ‘ol rock.  Sit on it and don’t move until the deer come down the hill in front of ya on yer right.  They’ll give you a perfect qwarterin’ away shot before they head out to the field to feed at dark.”

The mean, old grump’s plan was simple enough and easy to follow.  But I ignored it.  Well, not all of it.  I did go into the woods and I did cross the fence and I did walk about 50 yards into the woods. But it was the sitting-on-the-rock part that I ignored.  I HATE sitting on the ground and I HATE even more sitting on the ground on top of a chilly rock in the middle of winter.  Because no matter how many icy hours you endure sitting on a rock in the middle of winter, it never seems to warms up.

So, what did I do?  I moved just a few yards to the left of the big, uncomfortable rock that my Grandpa told me to sit on and perched myself in front of an oak tree.  Okay, it was more than just a few yards.  It was more like fifteen or twenty.  Most would say that it was my young, naive pride that caused me to ignore my elder’s instructions.  They would be mostly correct.  The truth is I was carrying a brand new lock on seat that I was just dying to try out.  Like I said, I HATE sitting on the ground.

So, after twenty minutes or so of fidgeting with this brand new, fandangled lock on seat and surely scaring off every woodland creature for at least a county or so, I settled into my lock on seat for a night of doing things my way. 

Now, I should say that my Grandpa’s hunting style was very old fashioned and VERY solidified, at least in my mind.  In all my years of hunting with him, he never scouted.  Not once.  His philosophy was that he had hunted that property since God made it and by golly he had these deer figured out by now!  His schemes were tried and true.  So, had he known that I had ignored his instruction and set up in my own little sweet spot, he probably would have marched up into the woods and let me have it – curse words, chewing tobacco, spit and all.  Heck, I’m pretty sure that he would have left me and my noisy, unnecessary lock on seat at home were I not the only hunting grandchild of his that wasn’t locked up at the time. (My only hunting cousin was in the hokey for leaving the scene of an accident, driving under the influence, fleeing from a police officer, kicking a puppy and numerous other immoral acts that I dare not mention.)

I sat on my brand new lock on seat for about 10 minutes before I decided that it was the worst thing that had ever happened to a man’s hind quarters.  (I have since rid myself of it by means of a yard sale and a two-dollar wielding old man who probably hates sitting on the ground just as much as I do.)  But I endured.  I endured to prove to myself and my ritualistic old grandpa that although he thought my new lock on seat was a waste of metal and cushioning, change can sometimes be good.

And a fantastic change occurred after I had endured an hour or so on the lock on stand from Helena.  I began to hear the pitter patter of little hooves behind me up on the side of the hill.  And the great thing was that they were coming right at me.  I slowly placed my hands at the ready on my bow and waited for the deer to close the 40 yards or so between it and I.  But as an eternity of footsteps progressed closer and closer to me, I began to realize that something that initially brought me great excitement was now quickly causing worry to overcome my mind like hunger on an all-day rut hunt.  The fact was that the deer was coming right for me.  No really, RIGHT FOR ME.  As I sat there, as still as stone, I shot a glance as far left and as far behind me as my eyeballs alone would allow.  It was this glance that made me realize that in the midst of my lock-on-seat-excitement I neglected to notice the VERY prominent deer trail that sat a mere 3 or 4 yards to my right. 

I wish I could say that the wind was blowing directly across my chest and that the deer leisurely strolled right past me and offered the “qwarterin’” away shot that my Grandpa had talked about.  But the truth was the wind was kind of non-existent at that moment in time.  So, my scent, much like smoke when left alone, was kind of just bulging out and up around me.  I wish that I could say that I was decked out in Scent Lok or Scent Blocker and that the deer sniffed my right armpit and still strolled right on by.  But hey, I was a newlywed fresh out of college, which means that I wasn’t exactly a high roller.  I wish I could say that the particular deer in question was born without a sense of smell.  That away I could put an end to his years of suffering a few moments later.  But just when the footsteps sounded as if the next one would fall directly on top of my back, I heard that familiar noise deer make when they’ve called your bluff, “PHWOOOH, PHWOOOH,” which every experienced hunter translates to mean, “I know you’re there, you moron!”

I turned my head to watch the deer’s white, pointy tail bounce through the woods back up the hill and out of my life forever.  I sat there dejected for another ten or fifteen minutes before I heard the familiar pitter patter of hooves again, following down that familiar path, right up to my familiar tree.  This time I turned my head away from the trail, to the left, in hopes that if it couldn’t see me and I couldn’t see it that maybe it wouldn’t smell me.  (See no evil, smell no evil right?)  As I sat, waiting on the deer to close the distance to my tree I realized that I was staring directly at a big rock twenty yards or so away that I should have been sitting on.  And in that moment, as the deer began yelling at me yet again and again, “I know you’re there, you moron!  I know you’re there, you moron!”  My grandpa might as well have appeared magically on top of the rock and said, “You should have sat here, you moron!  You should have thrown that lock on in the fireplace, you moron!”

Four or five months after that hunt, my dad began to notice that when my grandpa walked across the yard after he pulled up to his house that he stumbled around a bit.  Over time the stumbling got worse and worse until one day he stumbled and lost his glasses.  Where he had lost them he didn’t know because his memory was fading as well.  The breaking point was when grandpa was squirrel hunting that next Fall on that same piece of property, he fell down pretty hard and had to hobble out of the woods in the dark without his flashlight or his hunter’s orange vest while using his rifle as a crutch.  Good thing he had hunted that property since God created it.

A few doctor’s visits later and we learned that he had a spiderous, cancerous brain tumor that was causing a lot of swelling and pressure in his head, hence the loss of balance and memory.  After an all-day surgery and some chemo, the cancer seemed to subside.  But only 3 or 4 months after his final dose of chemo, I began to notice that he was asking me if I had seen the surgical scar on his head three or four times per visit.  Others began to notice the familiar memory loss again.  And a little while later the loss of balance returned.  The cancer was back.

The stubborn, old codger decided that he would not have surgery or do chemo again and that he would live out the rest of his days as best he could, as happy as he could.  He was bed ridden within a month or so and required constant care and attention shortly after that. 

The hardest part about his final weeks for me was the diapers.  And I have a master’s degree in diapers thanks to my two little girls.  But there was something about seeing such a strong man, such an able man, refined to sucking water from a straw and eating blended mush twenty-four-seven and then in turn wetting and soiling himself time and time again.  It was as if every time I removed his diaper and changed him I wiped away another little piece of his dignity and pride.

The last hours I spent with him were typical for he and I because they revolved around the one thing that united us all my life – the woods.  I went to care for him one Saturday to give my dad and his sisters a break.  We watched a few deer videos.  Then he napped while I shot my bow in his front yard.  Then we watched a few more deer videos.  The entire day he said not one word.  But as I took out our last deer video, only ten minutes or so before my dad showed up to relieve me, he looked at me with his usual grin of orneriness and said, “You wanna go huntin’?”  I smiled and said, “Grandpa, we can’t go huntin’.  It’s July.”  And I thought to myself that even if I did break the law to give my dying, bedridden Grandpa his last hunt, that we would become the hunted as we were eaten alive by mosquitoes. 

Those were the last words I ever heard him say.  Over the next few days, his breathing became labored to the point where he was taking one breath about every 45 seconds or so.  Grandpa passed as peacefully as one can when they’re gasping for a single breath each minute.  And as sure as the sun, the typical funeral-time turmoil reared its ugly head as my family fought over funeral arrangements and the handling of his simple estate.  If he were a fly on the wall for a few weeks following his death, I’m sure he would have had some fly-size chewing tobacco to spit at a few of my family members as he gave ‘em what for. 

Grandpa was a simple man.  He had thousands and thousands in his bank account when he passed but yet chose to drive a nearly antique pick-up truck that he bought used and lived in a handed down house that was so old the electrical wiring was run outside of the stud walls.  His life revolved around two simple loves – his love for his family and his love for the outdoors. 

And on the last chance for me to ever soak up some of his love for the outdoors and some of his whitetail wisdom concerning a patch of property that my Father and I still hunt, he told me to sit on the stinkin’ rock.  And I didn’t listen.

13 votes, average: 3.15 out of 513 votes, average: 3.15 out of 513 votes, average: 3.15 out of 513 votes, average: 3.15 out of 513 votes, average: 3.15 out of 5 (13 votes, average: 3.15 out of 5)
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Published by theGhost on 13 Sep 2008

You know… Right?

There are times in my life where I feel the need to perch in a tree, feel the wind on my face, and watch the world pass me by. I dont say anything, and if I did who would hear me? I just sit in the tree and unwind, eyes scanning the shadows for a flicker of white, ears listening for the soft crunch of leaves. I love the early morning strategy sessions with friends, and the anxiety of which stand to hunt. I love walking in the moonlight with a best friend, to a place where the trail splits, the quiet “good lucks” and “shoot straights” as we head to our stands. I love taking a new hunter out, and putting him in my best stand, knowing that he could be a few hours from one of the best feelings in this world. I love seeing a missed text on my phone near primetime- that usually means something good!!I love meeting up with other friends that hunt for lunch during the week and comparing notes, sharing photos and high fives over successful hunts, and sharing each other’s heartaches over the monster that slipped away. I love a lot of things about hunting, some of them can be described in words, but some of them cant… you know what I’m talking about? Right? Good luck everyone, and shoot straight…Ghost

15 votes, average: 3.53 out of 515 votes, average: 3.53 out of 515 votes, average: 3.53 out of 515 votes, average: 3.53 out of 515 votes, average: 3.53 out of 5 (15 votes, average: 3.53 out of 5)
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Published by djohns13 on 12 Sep 2008

The Hunter’s Gene

“You’re going to do what?” my wife asked with an angry look on her face. “Are you kidding me? There is an ice storm warning for our area today, and you think it is a good idea to climb up in a tree stand and deer hunt?”
“Sure do baby, you know me, I’ll be safe,” I shot back.
“Yes I do know you and that’s what scares me. You’re unbelievable sometimes.”
That is the way my 5:00 a.m. conversation went with my wife as I was headed out the door to go to my favorite tree last November. There was an ice storm bearing down on Indiana and I knew it could be a bad one. But the way I saw it, the storm wouldn’t rev up until about noon and there was a good chance the deer movement would be heavy before the storm started. I wanted to put one more deer in the freezer before the holidays. The day was cold with a stiff wind that seemed to penetrate every bone in my body. By 9:00 a.m. I was knocking ice off of my bow and nocked arrow. By ten I was wondering if my climber would grip the tree trunk on the way down so I decided to give it up and climb down. As it turns out, the deer were smarter than me that day and were already bedded down in preparation for the storm.
In retrospect, was it a bad hunting day? Absolutely not! My hunting partner and I both enjoyed ourselves tremendously. We didn’t bag any game, although he got very close before the bedded deer spooked and ran away. Other than his runaways, I didn’t even see another four-legged mammal that day. Most people would have detested that time in the cold but I loved it and would do it again in a heartbeat. Why? My wife would say it is because I am just not right, but I say it is because I was born with the Hunter’s gene.
Anyone one who is a hardcore hunter knows exactly what I mean when I talk about the Hunter’s gene. Anyone who isn’t generally doesn’t have a clue what I am talking about. It isn’t because of their intelligence, it’s because they weren’t born with the gene like we were. The Hunter’s gene is what drives us to do supposedly crazy things like sitting out in an ice storm, or crawling on our hands and knees through a mosquito infested swamp, or pursuing carnivores much larger and tougher than we are with just a bow and arrow. But it doesn’t stop there. The Hunter’s gene also ensures that we keep our families well-fed, well-protected and warm through those ice storms. It is what propels us to defend our families, our nation and other nations during times of trouble. It is what allows us to personally and quietly sacrifice so that others have what they need. And yes, it is what enables us to willingly go out into the depths of nature with nothing but stick and string and go to battle with the best eyes, ears and noses that exist. And even on those times where the battle doesn’t end with a kill, we are still grateful for having been able to participate, and can’t wait to do it again.
Having said all that, I realize I didn’t need to say it at all. Without a word, you already understood.

15 votes, average: 3.80 out of 515 votes, average: 3.80 out of 515 votes, average: 3.80 out of 515 votes, average: 3.80 out of 515 votes, average: 3.80 out of 5 (15 votes, average: 3.80 out of 5)
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Published by Montalaar on 12 Sep 2008

Create your individual arrows!

There are dozens of possibilities to fletch an arrow. You can select the manufacturer of your choice, the color, the size and the form. Dozens of combinations are possible. But is it not always the same? The archery next to you uses nearly the same fletching. Do you want to create your own arrows? You should read further.

What do we want to do?

This Tutorial will guide you to the making of your personal and individual arrow. I will cover two spots in this article. First we will do some cresting which means that we will add some color to our arrow. After that we will fletch our arrow with some individual spliced feathers. After we finished both parts we have an arrow that is absolutely personal.

We require:

  • a set of arrows you want to work with
  • loads of feathers in at least two colors of your choice
  • some fletching cement and a fletching rig
  • a knife or scissors, tape measure
  • a pen, paint and tape
  • patience

Before we start.

It is important that your arrows are already in the right length and have also the nock installed. Most fletching rigs need the nock to proved the perfect fit in the rig. You can also glue the point or broadhead into the shaft before installing the nock besides easton recommends to glue the point in before adding the nock.

This tutorial contains work with sharp objects and in the case of cresting also the use of paint which can contain thinner. A new arrowshaft or a new feather can be bought easily, a cut finger or thinner in the eyes is more of a problem. Be careful at all time and rather work slow and accurate.

Step one – Cresting.

The first thing we will do is some cresting that means we will add some color to the arrow shaft. Painting of wodden arrows has been common for decades as it is easy to do before adding the finish to the whole arrow but it is certainly possible with aluminium or carbon shafts, too. Very popular are also arrow wraps as they are easy to use and very durable but if you want to create your own arrow you should do your own cresting as it is truly unique.

How to do that? I will tell you.

At first we need to do some brainstorming. Which colors do we want to use and which patterns we want to draw. I chose someting easy for this tutorial. The arrow shaft will get a wide silver ring with some smaller rings dividing it. Now we need to choose the colors. As i mentioned i will use some silver paint and black or blue paint for the smaller rings. You can use everything as long as it can be applied in very thin layers and dries in a short time. If you just want to do some rings a white permanent marker will also work. I will use spray paint because it is easy to apply and dries very fast. Before starting so aplly the paint we have to mask the rest of the shaft that should not be painted in the color we use.

After masking the arrow we can add the paint to it. It can take some time to find out how it should be apllied but always bear in mind that the paint has to be as thin as possible. If you use spray paint you can aplly two or more layers to get a perfect result. Is everything colored we have to let it dry. In the meantime we can paint the next arrow.

After painting everything in the same way we can jump over to the next step. It was not too challenging until yet, was it?

Step two – Splicing.

Let us raise the grade of difficulty a bit. The next steps will need loads of patience so better be prepared. Splicing means cutting down the feathers you got to fletch your arrow with. With the parts we will get some new feathers of differenct colors and fletch your arrows with them. Splicing feathers and fletching your arrow with them will make your arrow unique!

In this tutorial i will use red and black feathers in 4 inch length. The red colored feather shall be the front part of the fletching and the black one the rest. As we want to fletch every arrow the exact same way we need to work with accuracy so take your time to get everything right. We need a tape measure to get always the same length of the pieces we cut off. I chose 1.8 inches for my red feather so i markerd my tape measure to find always the same position.

Now we have to slice every feather at 1.8 inches from the front. As we need both colors we have to cut off the red feathers but also the black ones. We will keep the red front part and the black rear part for our arrow. To cut the quill get a sharp knife or a scissors.

It is important to cut only the quill and nothing more. We want to keep the original form of the feather to put them together in the end.

Use your knife (or scissors) to make a small cut at the point you want to slice the quill in two parts. Then take the feather, retain it with one hand and cut the quill in two parts. Try to keep the intersection as small as possible and do not damage the feathers. After our little feather surgery we can remove the part we do not need and keep the other one. Now we can use some sandpaper to even the sction.

Proceed the same way with all the feathers you will need for fletching.

After slicing and sandpapering everything we have to find paires of parts to get a new feather. As not every feather has the same structure than the others we will need to find paires that will stick together on the shaft without having gaps between them. As you can see on the picture i chose two parts that seemed to be okay and put them together. The natural velcro of the feathers will keep them together.

At this point we will need the fletching rig and the fletching cement. Our prepared feathers will be glued onto the arrow at the same time so put the two parts together, aplly the fletching cement and fletch the arrow as you do it everytime.

After letting the feather dry out we can take the arrow out of the fletching rig and take a look over it. If we worked with patience and precision we will see no gaps between the quills and feathers. If you will notice a difference in the height of the feathers you should take a scissors and remove the spare feathers. Better take a smaller scissors as the larger one will cut too much out of the feather so that you will get no staisfying form

Step Three – finishing

If you have enough time and feathers you can do more unique things. You can use as many differenct colors and feathers as you wish to as long as you can glue it together whilfe flechting the arrow. You can also use a scissors and cut your own form into the feathers like a wave or something else. There are nearly no limits as long as you leave some feathers to ensure proper arrow flight.

I should also say something about the weight.

The used paint will add some grains to your arrow. As long as you use very thin layers you do not need to care about that.

I hope this tutorial will inspire you to do your own cresting, splicing and fletching. Good luck. 😉

15 votes, average: 3.33 out of 515 votes, average: 3.33 out of 515 votes, average: 3.33 out of 515 votes, average: 3.33 out of 515 votes, average: 3.33 out of 5 (15 votes, average: 3.33 out of 5)
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Published by djohns13 on 11 Sep 2008

To Shoot or Not to Shoot?

Does, that is. The question is about as old as the philosophy of quality deer management itself. It might just be the most debated topic in deer hunting and management but to this day a “one size fits all” answer eludes us. What works great for one property might be woefully wrong for another. For those who haven’t made up their minds where they stand on the issue, read my theories below and see how you think they would apply to your situation. I don’t believe that my answer is 100% correct for everyone and every property, but I think it will work well for the vast majority.
The basic question is whether or not to purposefully maximize the doe harvest on your hunting grounds, and if so, do you concentrate on younger does, mature “matriarch” does, or both. The most straight-forward answer to the first question is yes; by all means maximize the harvest of does, unless your current deer population is well below the carrying capacity of the land. If this is the case, let them walk for a year or so until you see the population reaching the limits of the land, and then employ a heavy doe harvest strategy. The answer to the second question is to take both mature and young does for the reasons described below.
For those of you who have plenty of, or even too many deer for your land, here are four strong reasons why you should focus on doe harvest:
1. Does with fawns will chase their young buck offspring out of their home range to prevent the possibility of inbreeding and genetic problems. If you want the young bucks born on your property to end up on someone else’s property, leave the mama does alone. They will see to it that almost every young buck leaves in a hurry. If you want those bucks to stay and grow big, harvest their mothers and your property will become their home range. Even better would be if your neighbors don’t take any does so that you get to keep your bucks and get their runaway bucks as well.
2. The land only has so much carrying capacity for deer. Taking mature does off of the property allows more of this capacity per mature deer. As a result, almost immediately after reducing the mature doe population, birth rates rise from singles/twins to twins/triplets with the occasional quad birth. The more births you have, the more bucks that are born, period.
3. It is critical in my opinion that you harvest not just old or young does, but a combination of both. It is common for young, middle aged and very mature does to come into estrus at slightly different times. This is due to a variety of factors but the result is that by having a good mix of young, middle aged and mature does on the property, the aggregate doe population is in estrus for a longer period of time. Whether you prefer to call it a longer rut, or multiple rut periods, it all equals great buck hunting. Some have said that taking a matriarch doe causes upheaval in the herd and can even force the herd to change their patterns and/or leave the area. Others will say that without the matriarch, the chance of predation on the younger deer increases. I have seen neither of these situations. In my opinion, with or without a matriarch, the deer population is drawn to the areas with the best availability to water, food and shelter with the least predation risk.
4. Finally, with less does, bucks naturally move more to find the does in estrus. This usually means greater scrape activity, more responsiveness to decoys, rattling and grunting, etc. The greater the buck movement the greater chance they will come into bow range for you, period.
Above are what I believe to be four strong reasons to commit to a heavy doe harvest and in the meantime, increase your chances of seeing the buck of a lifetime. Good luck and good hunting.

10 votes, average: 2.40 out of 510 votes, average: 2.40 out of 510 votes, average: 2.40 out of 510 votes, average: 2.40 out of 510 votes, average: 2.40 out of 5 (10 votes, average: 2.40 out of 5)
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Published by Southernfryedyankee on 11 Sep 2008

A fathers struggle part 1

I have been writing these blogs over the last year and a half. It is a first hand account of everything my children and I went through and an in depth view in my own words of what I and my children felt. I did not post these to win the bow. If  I win the bow awesome, if not, then oh well. If even one person who reads this chooses to make changes in their life so that what happened to my children and I can possibly save them and their family the sorrow we felt then THAT is worth more than ANY bow in the world 🙂 I did my best to edit this over the last 3 hours so if I accidentally forgot something please forgive me.

Chapter 1 – What Really Lies beneath
As the days progress I see every dream that I once had and I wonder if it is really a possibility. I believe this is the real reason many people live their lives in a way through their children. Everything thing my parents tried to teach me I fought against and now I look at where I am today, A dead end job a dead end relationship a dead end person of who I once was. I wonder if had I listened to my family and did everything that was told to me as far as school and education would I be where I am today or would I have been a better person. I tell myself often that things will improve and there can still be real chance for family, lifestyle, relationship/companionship and anything else that the majority of humanity is seeking. I am nothing like I once was and I dont know if that is good or bad. I used to smoke weed, deal drugs, go to strip bars stay up late and the only responsibility I had was making sure the rent and power was payed and I was happy. I was happy doing ALL the wrong things and now that I have many of the people in my life that are so good and positively influencial in everything that I am, why am I so backwards. People say it is always easier to do the “wrong” thing especially for people who have done the wrong thing their whole life. I feel unfullfilled in who I am. I have 2 beautiful children and I love them more than ANYONE could ever comprehend and they alone are my motivation for moving forward but why do I feel like this. I feel confused, drained, lost and empty maybe im just a badseed by nature. I feel as though I lie to myself everyday, I say oh the “job” will get better or the “relationship” with my childrens mother will get better but they are just “censored” g lies that I tell myself one after the other to make it through one more day. If I said the ONLY reason why I am still alive is because of my children would I be wrong for saying that in someone elses eyes, I dont feel wrong I feel justified. In the last few months I have seen (not visually) more CHILDREN killed through accidents and stupidity than every death I have ever personally experienced put together. It was such a terrible feeling, that I myself felt this intense pain for people I didnt even know then it sits heavy on my heart “what if that were my children” I could NEVER live through that, I would NEVER live after that. I would be a lost soul that just prayed for death to take me NOW so I could see the only LOVE that I have ever TRULY known again which would be my children. I would give myself a life expectancy of 1 hour after the funeral before I put a bullet in my head if I lost both of my children 🙁 For awhile I was having terrible nightmares about my daughter being killed and actually witnessing it. Those dreams felt so intense and seemed so “censored” g real that I would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with a feeling of ultimate sorrow and sadness and litetrally in tears. I had a dream so bad one night about my children being killed in an accident that I woke up and actually went for my pistol that was beside me before I realized that my daughter was sleeping safely right at my feet and my son was on the couch next to me, had I not realized they were there I would have shot myself that night. I constantly try to break down and rebuild every1 of my thoughts and my emotions to channel them into a more positive direction but certain things really put me over and I develop this intolerable amount of rage so bad that I sit in front of my fishtank to calm my nerves and leave my body to try to pick up the pieces of shattered emotions and try to put them back together to make myself whole again. I have never asked for anyones sympathy nor have I ever wanted someones pity and I dont want it. I am very fortunate to have the people, family, friends, aquaintances in my life because I feel this helps make a person who they are, even to a small sense of who they want to be and who they may ultimately become..
Chapter 2- If a man
It is hard to come to grips with the end of everthing I have experienced in the last 6 years. MY family is gone, I feel like my life is gone, if a man cant keep his family together he is NOTHING, I am NOTHING. Why do people have to be so blind to think that a happy future is always a possibilty. The future is a dream that only the lucky experience because it is looked forward to. I have no desire to look forward to my own future. My life from now as it has been since my son was born, will be lived for my children. I will now let my children guide my future as they are what matters most in this world. I am surrounded by people that love me, friends that ARE family to me and I still have no desire to seek what I ever wanted anymore. I am a waste of a soul, that is empty. I am losing what has meant more to me than my own life whether I chose to show it or not. If I am to have a life from now on I hope it will be a life of happiness lived through my childrens dreams and aspirations. If they succeed in life it will be because I taught them well, if they fail it will be because I have failed them and I have NO intentions to fail. My only wish is that I find the wisdom to raise them the way that they should have been raised in a loving family enviornment. I will now become daddy and mommy when the official day comes that Terra walks out that door to explore what she really wants. I pray to god that she will keep my children safe when I cant be there to protect them or her. I dont know how to deal with this, I am scared to death. At this point in time it is the anticipation of ,when will all this will take place and how will I be when my children walk out of this home completely unknowing of what is actually happening, to them, to their future to their stability they had with me here. I will ALWAYS say that family is worth fighting for but it is impossible to win the battle when it is a single sided fight. I am now at war with my mind until all is said and done, I just hope everything I believe of in myself will be enough to allow some kind of mental solace. I have NEVER felt so lost in my entire my life. I have dealt with death, dying, depression, loss, sorrow, sadness but NOTHING compares to this feeling I have within me, the feeling of I could not be a strong enough man to keep my family together. If that is what my destiny is I might as well just keep what I have in my life and not try to strive for anything more, theres no point. I will work, I will come home to an empty house days out of the week and the ONLY thing I will have to look forward to is when I can see my children next, until then I will be an empty soul who lives the rest of my days out for the time spent with my children. That is the only peace I will ask for, that the time spent with my children will bring me back to who I once was and MAYBE search for what is missing. Until then :”’-(
Chapter 3 – The dissoloution of family
Family is ones first initial building blocks of “mortal” life and how you live. Everyone is born into a family, it is how stable that family is determines what kind of life the children will lead in life. As I type this I am losing my family as I know it and cannot come to accept it, which leads to the real question of is family worth fighting for? I ALWAYS knew it was but how far should 1 fight when there is no reciprocity from their partner, girlfriend,boyfriend, wife or husband. I fought so hard to keep my “family” together my 2 children happy even if it meant sacraficing my own happiness. I have been through the thickest of thick in this relationship and I NEVER ran out on my family, I NEVER ran out on my children. and I NEVER will. This will be the hardest lesson to live, being able to let go of what I have come to accept and love in my own way. At any time I can touch my daughters face or give my son a high 5 as he walks by me and says “I love you daddy” I want to hear that everyday for the rest of my life and see it in their eyes as I wipe tears from my daughters cheeks and comfort her because of the bond that I have built with them. We did not know if Ansley (my daughter) was going to be mine or not, the heartache and emotional torment of being afraid to get to attached only to be let down destroyed me for 9 months. I had to look at a growing belly of the mother of my first child and wonder and pray, pleeeeeeeease god let this baby be mine. After Ansley was born it took me about 3 weeks to finally make that connection and ultimate bond with her. I have been through 3 pregancies 1 of which gave me my son, 1 that gave me my daughter and one just out of pure selfishness, was terminated. STILL I stayed to keep my family together. About a year later she slept with someone else behind my back, I would have thought having an abortion a year prior would be a wakeup call to not be stupid but I was wrong. I have been put in debt, cheated on, hurt, made hollow because of this person, and yet I still want to keep MY family together. Does that make me a man or just plain stupid. I will admit I cheated on her with someone I cant erase that. Mine and Terras relationship has NEVER seemed like a real relationship should, but family IS worth fighting for regardless of whether im happy or not. My children are my world, my life, my blood that runs through my veins, my strength. I lived a large part of my life without children and now I could NEVER live a day without them. I am so sad :”-( I love them so much and this mental anguish is tormenting me to the point of exaustion. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant think. My brain is just a piece of shattered glass and im stepping on EVERY piece with bare feet. I wrote in a letter along time ago about my favorite religious story called “Footprints in the Sand” and it said
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
“LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me.”

The LORD replied:
“My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.”
Now when I look behind me I cant see ANY footprints and that is destroying everything I am now and ever was. I am lost, the only thing I have in this world with true unconditional meaning is my children. Ones that I have loved and or cared about in the past have either moved on, or just didnt feel I was worth it enough to be with. I always wanted a relationship where I would feel wanted and in turn want the other person to feel and KNOW they were wanted. I dont understand why people at my job say that I am a “Good Man” (What the hell does it mean to be a good man?) yet I have not often experienced what it was to feel wanted by someone else and if so I messed that up. My son and daughter is the ONLY 2 reasons why I am alive and they will always remain to be the only 2 reasons until the day either another baby enters my life, then I will have 3 or something terrible happens to Matthew & Ansley in which Ill just put a bullet in my head and call it a day, THAT EASY. I have so much to offer, I have so much love inside me and my children get it all. I just want that feeling that partnership of being wanted by someone other than my children. I want to feel complete, I want to feel that everything I have strived for will not be for nothing. I want a family, MY family, I want someone to love, I want to be able to show what I am capable of. Maybe thats just not what my destiny is.
Chapter 4 – Ugly
Today 6-6-07 will be the last day I spend with what I called my family for 6 years. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and get ready for work and know I will not see my children after I get out of the car for 2 months. They are going to my parents house in NY tomorrow and I will miss them beyond belief more than anyone could ever comprehend :””-( the saddest part about it is when they return they will return to a life that they will not know or understand and I dont know how they will deal with that. It seems like I learn new things about Terra everyday that I just have no desire to know. I have tried so hard to be what is considered a “MAN” and I feel like there is no one out there that can make me be who I am. What the hell is wrong with people today, I would NEVER choose another woman over my own flesh and blood. EVERYONE says that I will prevail and I will meet someone WORTH being with and WORTH loving and that they will love me because of the man that I am, I just wish I could find that in my own self and within my own heart. No more Christmas’s No more Easters, No more holidays with the “family” as I know it. I have worked,bled,shed tears,taken PAAAAAAAAAIN mentally and emotionally for the benefit of my family. Maybe I am not destined to be with anyone, maybe I dont deserve happiness, Maybe I really am a failure. The ONLY thing I do right is take care of my children and that should be the most important thing. My mother used to tell me that I will end up old and alone maybe she was right. I want EVERYONE who reads my blogs to KNOW & UNDERSTAND that ANYTHING you do to someone WILL come back to haunt you 10 fold I know this from personal experience and I AMMMMM living it as I type this blog except I feel it is 100000 fold. I try to ask myself what have I done to deserve this terrible pain and sorrow that I feel. I NEVER told someone I loved them if I didnt mean it. I have dated girls with kids and I treated them as if they were my own NEVER EVER ONCE trying to replace their real father yet I still wasnt good enough. What have I done to deserve this punishment? Life of agony wrote in one of their songs Ugly
Well I was bound to have a nervous breakdown
Should’ve seen it coming from miles away
So I packed my bags and started running
My brains been shaking since yesterday
But there’s only so far that you can run boy
There’s only so far to leave your problems behind
’cause when the problem’s yourself you start thinking
No matter how far
You’ll never leave it behind
MAYBE I am the problem, MAYBE it has been me all along, MAYBE I dont deserve to have more than what I already have. Maybe I have no destiny. What I do have is MY children and I am so torn to the fact that, that is not enough of a driving factor for me to see light at the end of the tunnel. It feels terrible to feel like I am having my midlife crisis at 29 years old. People tell me I should look at this as a new beginning but IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII have to see that for myself, IIIIIIIIIII have to feel that in my heart. NO ONE can make me see it or feel it but me. I MISS MY BABIES SO MUCH AND THEY HAVENT EVEN LEFT YET!
Chapter 5 – The BIG Picture
Why is it sooooo easy for some people to see the big picture and others cant get past their own guilt and past afflictions to want something better, hence the little picture. My big picture is my children, my future with them, their future with me. As some of you may know I am about to fight for custody of both my children. I have an good chance of getting custody but it is up to the judge to see me fit as the better parent. People tell me I should win this custody battle hands down but in all honesty is it really “winning?” if I get custody? My children will not have the life they once knew, I will not have the life I once knew. Terra is only out for self benefit, I am out to be the father that ALLLLLLLL fathers should be but why cant I see the BIG picture through this whole situation? What will happen to my children emotionally, mentally, structurely if she leaves, My son already begs her to stay at times yet she STILL chooses her friends over coming home at night to be close to her own flesh and blood. I go to work at 4am get off at 1pm and from 1pm until I work the next morning I am with my children nonstop and this situation may still not go my way because I have a penis between my legs and from what I was led to understand SC is a womens state. I carried my children while Terra was pregnant maybe not physically but definitaly EMOTIONALLY & MENTALLY. Does that make me not as close to them as her. I had to take a questionairre to be put on their birth certificates and I have been here since day 1, Terra hasnt been, she should have taken that “test” NOT ME. Ansley was harder to have that initial bond with because we didnt know if she was going to be mine or not and I still carried both of them in my heart, body and soul yet they say the maternal bond is stronger. I dont drink, I dont do drugs, I come home to my children EVERYDAY after work unless Im helping a friend with something but I still return home TO THEM. Terra doesnt even come home some nights, she doesnt even call, she stays out drinks, smokes weed and CHOOSES her “freedom” over her own children. She said she was leaving to make HERSELF happy, to make HER future better, she was doing this for HER, where the hell are Matthew & Ansley in that equation yet I could still lose my only happiness that I have because IIIIIIIII AM NOT THEIR MOTHER. I have been mommy and daddy to both of my children as I will continue to be until I die and even then after. I am so afraid to be a single father of 2 children, I am so afraid I may find out that I am not the parent I should be. People say when you are officially faced with that scenario I will KNOW exactly what to do, I have always been strong minded and I cant understand why I am in conflict with myself. If my children are with me they will go to school, do their homework, have little snacks when they get home they will have a LIFE & A FUTURE. My children will be loved and NEVER made second best yet I still feel like I am being consumed by my own guilt and sorrow. Is it so wrong to have wanted a family of my own so bad that it has literally carved a DEEEEP canyon in my head and it seems everything falls into that canyon. I come from an incredible family, my parents have been angels in my corner I can NEVER repay that. I constantly think how terrible it is that I had to move so far away to have the relationship with my father that I always wanted. I am afraid that I may follow that same guideline of what I knew and understood growing up. I never want my children to feel that they have to move away to be closer. My father has been my biggest supporter and I can honestly say friend through this ordeal. He doesnt speak to me like he used to maybe he sees more in me than I see in myself. I cant wait till they move here, that will mean so much to me and my children. I want to be with them every Sunday for dinner with my children. I wanted my children to have that with the family they had here but there is NOTHING I can do about that now. Everyone tells me to just let her dig her own grave and bury herself yet I have this unrelenting urge to keep Terra safe NOT because I want her, NOT because I love her, Not because I am acustomed to her being here it is because SHE is MY childrens mother and to keep them from growing up without a mother I feel I must protect her, when should I give up on her, if she hits rock bottom my children may never see her again either because of death, drugs, alcohol, selfishness, freedom and I dont want that to haunt their dreams when they sleep or come to me and ask me why doesnt mommy love them or whyyyyyyyy doesnt mommy want to see them anymore, how do I answer such a heartbreaking question. She has become so incredibly fake that now when she Matthew tells her he loves her and she says it back she looks at the neighbors to see if they hear it or if they are watching her say it back, she KNOWS the neighbors are supporting me, she KNOWS her family is supporting me, she KNOWS she has NOOOOO LEGS to stand on, maybe she wont even fight for them as MANY people think. I could NEVER not fight for my children, I could NEVER walk away from my children. If the judge asked me if I wanted a paternity test I would say I dont need a test like that to tell me who MY children are EVEN if there was even a piece of a hint that they werent mine biologically, THEY ARE MYYYYYYYY CHILDREN and they will ALWAYS be raised as MYYYYYYYY CHILDREN. IIIII am who those children have, IIIII am their life, their guidance, their structure, their safety, their provider, their stability, their friend, their companion, their unconditional love, their piece of mind, their happiness, THEIR DADDY and when the time comes I WILL BE MOMMY ALSO!!!!!!!!!!! I feel Terra gave up that honor when Matthew begged her to stay home one night and she left anyway to go be with her friends FORGET HER! I have NEVER pawned my kids off on any1 I went out out once in 3 years and she couldnt even stay with them 1 night without finding a babysitter so she could go out also. I have NEVER regretted having children. I used to hear from her that she was no good and she just wanted to give them to me and leave, she said on many occasions she wasnt ready to be a mother and that she should just kill herself, WTF kinda BS is that? I have been honored to be my childrens father since I found out she was pregnant. I will be honored if I ever become a daddy to another child EVEN if that child is not my own. I am the result you get from coming from a GOOD family. My parents raised a MAN who stuck through the THICKEST OF THE THICK,who tried to keep his family together at any cost and NEVER ran away like a “censored” g coward. Forget ALL of you deadbeat piece of garbage sperm donors AND sperm banks out there you gave up the highest honor in the world, BEING A DADDY OR A MOMMY, FORGET YOU ALLLL!!

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Published by Southernfryedyankee on 11 Sep 2008

A fathers struggle part 2

Chapter 6 – To My Family
I have been meaning to write a blog in the last few weeks that doesnt talk much about my situation with Terra. This particular blogs SOLE purpose is to thank the people in my life who mean THE MOST to me and who have been there for me through the most sorrowful time(s) within my life. When I was growing up I thought I didnt have much which caused me to desire what other people had. I am now 29 years old and I look back at my past and I realize that everything I really thought was important growing up was just 1 grain of sand. I have my family, my children, my TRUE friends who arent really friends but FAMILY to me, you have made so much of an impact in my life and there is nothing I could EVER do to repay what you have brought to me and to my children. You have brought me hope when I thought I was nothing, you have brought me life when all i wanted to do was just destroy myself in so many ways, you have brought me to be the person who I am today and who I may not have been if you were not in my life. EVERYTHING non necessity that I ever thought was important to me was just merely 1 grain of sand where YOU, Mom, Dad, Matthew, Ansley, Doagles, Chris S, Jen S, Matt C, Catherine F., Jade & Sarah B., Fred B,. Jeff & Cynthia H, Sandy H., Michael H., Derrick and Mary, Mary H., Deronda & Shawn P,. Debbie B,. Jr P., Raymond W. Amongst a few others who have been an entire COASTLINE of sand for me, and I could NEVER thank you enough no matter how much I tried for ALL you have done for me when I was at my best and at my lowest. Whether its picking me up for work on YOUR day off or just being here for me when I needed you most, you were here. I would be so lost without the most important people in my life and YOU ARE the most important people in my life. I have contimplated so many bad things but its all of you who have been my light, my guidance, my advice, my road to not self destruct and destroy everything in my life that means so much to me. There many times i felt I had nothing to offer, but I guess if I didnt I wouldnt have the ones who mean most to me. You all have my love, my respect, my advice if EVER needed, my compassion when you are faced with a situation that you feel is hopeless. I would protect you all with MY LIFE if that is what needed to be, ALLL OF YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN as THEY are my family also. I am slowly crawling out of hell with all of you throwing me the rope to help me climb out. There are some things that my mother has told me growing up that I heard but never understood until now. My mother told me a long long time ago that you can tell anyone anything but when you write it they feel it so much more, I get my gift, power, deepness, and intensity of writing from my mother. Mom I Love you so much :”’-( and I thank you for this gift that you have given me. It has helped me make it through this heartbreaking situation if it wasnt for you I could NEVER write the way I do, like when you used to write me. If it wasnt for you and dad I wouldnt be where I am today. If it wasnt for the strength of my family and friends who ARE family to me I would not be the father, person,friend I am today and I may have just given up, but you NEVER gave up on me and I will NEVER give up on MY children or any of YOU. Only now do I understand what my mother meant by she has had the same friends since when she was in school, friends that have been by her side and her by their side for years & years & years. Only NOW do I fully understand what it means to have TRUE friends that empower and lighten your life and I NEVER want to lose that. I am who I am and sometimes that is hard to deal with but you all have stuck by me when I was at my best and at my worst, I change everyday and most of the time I feel its for the better and ALLLLLLLLLL of you play an intricate part in my life. You are what what matters most to me in this world, not the “censored”  TV or the computer or the menial “censored”  that people hold so dear and important. FAMILY is what is important, RESPECT is what is important, FRIENDSHIP is what is important and NOTHING else matters. I had said in one of my past blogs that my father has been my biggest supporter and without you in my life Dad I WOULD NOT be who I am today, or the father I am today. I blamed you for alot of things in my past and now that I am a man I realize that it was because you love me that you didnt want me to have to grow up the hard way or always try to take the easy way out. Only now can I fully respect and appreciate that, THANK YOU for EVERYTHING you have done for me in my life and for being my biggest supporter through my current situation, I could not do it without your love and support. I TRULY know what it means to be loved and be part of something REAL. I only hope that I can lead by the example that has been shown to me through all of you in most if not all that I do in this life. No words I can EVER say or letters that i could ever write can repay all that has been done for me, I love you all with all my heart and if you could even slightly understand what I am feeling as I write this, that may be all the thanks you could ever want.
Chapter 7 – The Reason Why
This was a letter I wrote to a friend of mine a few weeks ago when I was asked why I had let Terra come back. I had posted it this and chapter 2 and pulled it after my family recommended I take it down. After re-reading this particular entry and the fact that there was nothing derogatory torwards any1 in it, I decided to repost it. I WILL be re-writing chapter 2 and then reposting that also.
There are many people besides you that have questioned why I did what I did in regards to letting Terra come back. That answer has come so easy at many times as it has come so hard also. I can not justify answering that question from a selfish standpoint. The truth is this in no particular order. I didnt know how this situation would effect my children, in all honesty I TRULY didnt think Ansley would care either way because I have been her primary caregiver pretty much from the beginning and she didnt “know” Terra like she knew me, Daddys little girl ya know. One day Terra had came by the house to see the kids and that was fine with me she stayed for about an hour or 2 and when she left Ansley wasnt by the door which was VERY awkward. Ansley has always stood by the door upon Terras leaving except for today. About 5 minutes had gone by and I said something isn’t right. I went upstairs and ansley was on the end of Matthews bed looking out the window with her “censored” G nails digging INTO the wood of his bed frame and in an unchild like voice very somberly she was just saying mama mama mama mama over and over and over and over to herself. I softly walked over to her and TRIED to take her by her hands and take them off of her bed but the nails on her tiny little fingers were INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN the wood. When I finally got her hands off I turned her around and looked into those deep brown eyes that were now BLACK AS NIGHT with NO happiness, NO childhood, NO expression, NOTHING, “censored” G NOTHING, just a lifeless soul behind those beautiful eyes that were once filled with ALL of those things that make a child who they are. When I finally realized that my daughter was basically DYING inside my son walked upstairs with tears in his eyes except in his eyes was PAIN, HURT,SORROW, ANGER, LOSS, DEVESTATION and then he turned to me and layed his head in my lap and in a full stream of tears told me THAT HIS HEART HURT SO BAD AND IT WAS BROKEN. At that instant I came to realize that EVERYTHING I went through during the time my children and Terra were gone, every emotion, every bit of pain, every tear, every piece of sorrow to make me remember FIRST “censored” G HAND that I am human was a mere speck of dust in an old abandoned mansion. This was also going to be Matthews first year of school and everyday his normal demeanor would just be lost to some sort of memory of what once was when his mother was here. I didnt want him to struggle in school, I didnt want him to have that constant reminder EVERYDAY that his mother wasnt coming home. I didnt want to have to worry that he should have to deal with that later on in life. Matthew & Ansley ARE the ONLY 2 reasons that I walk this earth, kill myself everday at walmart and sacrifice the little bit of happiness I have outside of them. I do NOT regret doing what I have done for my children, I do NOT regret walking away from past relationships that could have made ME happier than I have ever been b4. Life is NOT about me anymore it is about them.
Chapter 8 – A snake in Mommy’s Clothing
As i watched the anguish that my children went through from Terras comings and goings while she was away, I felt compelled to try to give them the life back where they were happy and comfortable. While Terra was gone and my children were gone she made many bad decisions for herself. Terra believes that she has to “buy” peoples affection to be liked and cared about. We spoke about many things when she was gone and when my children returned home I still allowed Terra to see Matthew and Ansley more than what was put into place with the court system. It felt right to have her come home, I saw what this did to my children. I just couldnt bare to see my children in pain anymore. The conditions to Terras return was as followed. She must sign over full custody rights to me, She had to go into a treatment facility to be able to work out her mental instability amongst a few other issues that needed to be taken care of.
Upon Terra’s return, my son who had felt it most asked her the first night she came home if she was staying. Terra told Matthew that she was SOOOO SORRY for what she had done to “her family” and that she promised him, SHE PROMISED him that she would never leave again and that she loved us and that she had made a terrible mistake. Terra vowed it would never happen again but borrowed time is such a sad time. I spoke to my friends about me letting her return and they told me while they may not agree with my decision I have to do what is right for my family and I thought I had made the right decision. Terra used what I held most poweful in this world “FAMILY” against me. She told me to my face that she wanted us all to be together as a family. She said she wanted the Sunday dinners, she wanted the holidays amongst those she loved most which was supposedly my children and I. Terra made me believe in a dream that I had been wishing for with all my heart. Through that snake in mommy’s clothings lies she made me made me believe that this is what she wanted and that she had learned her lesson. Terra spoke about the holidays and how all of us would be together. It was EVERYTHING I have ever wanted for my family. She lied to my son, she lied to my daughter, she lied to me. It was that easy for her like we truly meant nothing to her in the first place.
Terra stayed in this home long enough to get the car back, for me to have the child support order lifted and get herself back on her feet enough to where she could just up and leave with nothing to worry about.. Everything before Terra left this 2nd time felt like what it was supposed to be. She seemed happy and comfortable to be home. She was getting Matthew to school on time, she was getting to work on time. Terra seemed like she had really stepped up to the plate but all she was doing was buying her time. I had told her 2 weeks prior to her leaving that I was so proud of her and I and the children were happy and I asked if she was happy and she said yes and I believed her. Terra is a psychic vampire (meaning below). She is destroying the 2 people that loved her most in this world all with the approval of her own concience, I pray that she just leaves and never returns to my children and me. We ARE better off without her, my children are better off without her. Terra brings them pain, hurt, anger and worst of all sadness when she brings them HOME to me. It is ME that deals with that unrelenting sorrow that they feel, it is ME that wakes up in the middle of the night when my children cry for her. It is ME that takes care of them now. It was Terra’ selfishness that caused all of this heartache, in MY family, HER family, HER ownself.
Psychic Vampire:
AKA Energy Vampire.

1. A emotionally weak person who drains vital engery from other people. Basically what you call someone who drags you down and wastes you’re time when you’re around them.
2. One who consciously or subconciously drains the emotions of others.
I hope as my children grow older they see the truth for what it is. Daddy did EVERYTHING in his power to make their lives what they are supposed to be and try to keep our family together. I want my children to have happiness and a future. I want my children to learn right from wrong and it will be me that teaches them. This is going to hurt my children more than most people can comprehend. I have NEVER truly hated Terra until now, until she had taken my childrens hearts in her hands and smashed them on the floor and pissed on them. The best thing and most responsible thing that she can ever do to help her children is leave them forever. A snake has the ability to shed its skin and start from scratch and that is exactly what she did. Terra got everything she NEEDED to get her life str8 enough to shed that snake skin of hers and start over WITHOUT her family. A person she works with recently told me that she was going to allow Terra to stay in her house for the night and I asked her why are you going to reward her for deserting her children and her family again. She said that she had a big heart and I said so did I and look at where that got me. I said if you want to help someone who TRULY needs it, help the 2 REAL victims in this equation and that is my children. They will need people in their lives who will be of positive influence and love them because they KNOW how to show love, caring and compassion for others.
Chapter 9 – A beginning of firsts
I had alot of trouble sleeping last night. My mind was racing with all that has happened in the last few months. I never wanted to believe that it would have come to this. This will be the first major holiday without the family that my children and I know. I will now be surrounded by new family and for as MUCH as I love Chris, Jen, Gracen & lexis I can’t help but hurt for my children and myself for what we have lost. There was a point in time that we were a family of 4 but that has now come to an end and that book has been closed never to be read again. I am sitting here typing this listening to christmas music feeling somewhat uneasy of the future and what will come to pass. Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate what you are most thankful for and I am TRULY thankful for the people who my children and I have within our lives and hearts. There is a missing piece to the puzzle within my childrens heart that can never be replaced. I KNOW they are hurting and I KNOW they are loved but it seems like no matter how much love I show them I cant mend that piece within them that has been lost. My son and daughter cry when Terra leaves and I cry when I am alone, for my children as I cry now as I type this. My children are upstairs sleeping peacefully and as I type this I know and understand what it means to feel loss. I feel like I have also lost an intricate part of me, I lost the person who gave me the gift of fatherhood, I lost the person who gave me a family of my own and my heart breaks a little bit also at the thought that it didn’t have to be like this. The choices we make in life may not always be the right choices but if a bad choice is made with the best of intentions it may not always be wrong. Terra made HER choice out of pure selfishness and now she is going to pay the price. For as much as my heart is filled with love it is also filled with hate for the ones that have hurt my children in the worst kind of way. While Joey L. will be surrounded today by family and friends, probably not even giving a care of thought to the 2 lives he helped destroy and the family he helped destroy, Terra will be ALONE on Thanksgiving with NO FAMILY and NOTHING to be thankful for. I LOVE my children with all the love my heart has within it, but my heart is also filled with hate for Terra and Joey. I do not wish to hate them but when I look into my childrens eyes and I see what they have lost because of pure selfishness for oneself it drives me to hate beyond belief. TODAY is a day to be thankful for what you have in life, the people who you have in your life, the family you have in life. What many people dont realize is, you may not have the best of everything BUT if you make the BEST out of everything you have, you have lost NOTHING and still gained. I HAVE my children, my children & I HAVE a home, my children and I HAVE a welcoming and loving family to spend THIS day of celebration for what we are most thankful for with. I want to THANK all of those within my childrens and my own life for what you have done to help us we ARE THANKFUL for EVERYTHING. Thanksgiving & Christmas is a time to celebrate FAMILY and you are OUR family.
Chapter 10 – A feeling of Loss
I have been sitting here yet again listening to christmas music. There is a song that was wrote by the Trans-Siberian orchestra. It is called Dream Child, the lyrics are as followed.
In the night
Was the dark
In the dark
Was the dream
In the dream
Was the Child
And myself
There unseen

In the book was the word
In the word there was truth
In the truth there was age
In the age there was youth

And I said to the Child
Do your hands they still bleed
After all of this time
Do you think there’s still need
But the Child only smiled

And said not a word
And the snow it came down
As if it hadn’t heard

And all that night the snow came down
To heal the scars our lives had found
And the years that lay broken

And there upon that bridge of dreams
Across the night we walked unseen
With no words ever spoken

And then on through that night
We did walk for a while
And our steps turned to blocks
And the blocks turned to miles

Then we followed a path
For as far as we could
Till we found ourselves there
In an evergreen woods

There were thousands of candles
Upon every tree
It was beautiful
But there was one mystery
For with all of those candles
You must understand
That the only one lit
Was now there in his hand

And there upon that Christmas scene
The candle wax of melted dreams
And the years they had taken

And as the snow did gently fall
We one by one relit them all
Till each dream was awakened

And there to that light
This young Child showed to me
All the things that he dreamt
All the things that might be
How for everything given
That something is gained
Strike one match in the dark
And all the world’s not the same

And then I asked that Child
Why this night has a star
And he said, “So we’d know
That we could see that far”
And these candles are wed
To that star’s distant light
And it all came to be
Upon that long winter’s night
That long winter’s night
That long winter’s night
That long winter’s night

And when I awoke, well the Child he was gone
But somewhere in my mind
I believe he lives on
And somewhere in my life
Between here and the end
On a long winter’s night
I will dream him again

Then she noticed on some Christmas cards
A reddish purple stain
Where someone had spilled some Christmas wine
And there it had remained

Until the heat from a radiator
Whistling in the air
Had caused it to evaporate
Into an angel’s share
The part of this song that seems to be most impactful to me is when they said
“And all that night the snow came down
To heal the scars our lives had found”
I feel as though my children and I will have so many scars that all the snow in the world cant heal us. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I felt a definite feeling of loss within my children’s and my home from the instant I woke up. I when I feel sad or lost write to ease my mind, so I wrote a blog yesterday that MANY people read. My mother had asked me why do I write for every1 to see and make my business public. I do it to ease my mind and heart, I do it because if even 1 person gains something from my words and it helps them feel not alone then my writing truly means something. I write about my children, love for family, sorrow and my own trials and tribulations for as much as it hurts me to write it sometimes alleviates the stronger pain within me. I had so much to be thankful for yesterday and I know that there are MANY people in this world through no fault of their own have nothing or will have nothing these holidays and it makes me sad to see people who fight so hard for their family or for the things that they have still have that heartache within them. Then there are the people who CHOOSE to do wrong and choose to destroy what is most important in this life and it seems like they are rewarded.
I am scared to celebrate Christmas this year, my tree is up, the house is slowly getting decorated but it is my favorite holiday to spend amongst the 4 of us. I hurt for my childrens loss, I hurt for my own loss but I hurt MOST for THIS FAMILY”S loss as it was known. In a way I wish all this would have happened after Christmas because this would have allowed us more time to heal before next Thanksgiving and next Christmas, but its not going to be that way this year. I feel pain as I type this, I DO feel loss as I type this and I KNOW that my children feel everything that I feel and more because they cant disect their feelings like I can. Matthew tells me when he is sad but thats all he tells me and I know with all my heart there is so much more going on in that little body of his that hes sad. I just wish I could just wipe their pain away because isnt that what daddy is supposed to do, protect his children and keep pain out of their hearts. I cant protect my children the way I want to because of reasons I cannot speak about now. I wish my children could be by my side wherever I go and wherever I am. I would NEVER leave them! Terra LEFT her children 2x and yet still feels that she has done nothing wrong.
NO child should ever have to experience what my children are going through. People need to realize that when you have children you are no longer yourself anymore. YOU ARE MOMMY OR DADDY. I Louis Cohen does NOT exist anymore, I am DADDY to 2 children who mean more to me than ANYONE. I never understood how any parent could walk away from their own child let alone twice or pretend like their own child doesn’t exist. I saw it yesterday at my friends house and I was disgusted (it was a friend of their daughters) I was hurt for this girl and the story behind why she wasnt spending time with her own family. I saw my family as I knew it was DESTROYED for selfish reasons, and it kills me to know that I still have to let this person who walked away from her children TWICE still be involved in their life. You are either a parent or YOUR NOT. You can NOT pick and choose to be surrounded by your children when it is convenient for YOU. My children to Terra are there for show only, like Paris Hilton and Brittney Spears walk around with dogs in their pocket books. You can only uphold that image for so long before EVERYONE sees through the “censored”  and sees you for who you really are. Children are NOT decoration they are living, breathing beginnings to better people if that is what you show them. I show my children what it means to love and be compassionate and hopefully they will NEVER be tainted by their mothers example.
I am TRULY scared of whats to come, I fear for my children as I fear what will happen with their future. I will be the best parent I can be and I pray that by me teaching my children, love, values, compassion, morals and respect that Karma will shine upon this family of 3 and we will be blessed with the family my children deserve as they have done NO WRONG and dont deserve this.

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Published by Southernfryedyankee on 11 Sep 2008

A fathers struggle part 3

Chapter 11 – A Suitcase of Memories

just found out recently that Matthew has scarlet fever and that I will be off for the next week. I decided to start going through the rest of all of the old clothes and start clearing them out as I have 2 friends that are pregnant 1 with a boy and 1 with a girl, pretty convenient if you ask me. My friend Becky and I had started going through Ansleys old clothes and I felt a sense of OOOOOLD emotions and memories as I remembered some of the special things that I had bought for Ansley from the time she was born till now. Today I started going through Matthews things and It opened up a “suitcase of memories for me” It brought me right back to the time Matthew was first born and Terra, my parents an I were sitting in the kitchen having breakfast. I remembered looking over and there he was my son, my baby just swinging away in his swing. I remember thinking that I was in a, you have to see it to believe it moment, like is this baby REALLY swinging here in front of me, am I really a daddy now and is this just a crazy dream that I will awaken from but it wasn’t it was the real deal. That was my son in front of me completely unknowing of the world around him, things he may have to face in the future and the world he will have to survive in, to truly make something of himself. I would have never thought that what is of this family now would have come to be. As I looked through clothes today I started finding little things that would just open me up more and more, newborn diapers, the little beanie caps for infants just so many little things that just made me feel pain and happiness at the same time.

I guess the part that is hurting me most is when I started finding some of the little Christmas outfits that were so special to me. I feel like this suitcase has much more hurt in it than happiness. I am scared for the future and what it holds for my children, I never wanted them to feel like THIS is what a family is supposed to be like and it breaks my heart knowing that I fully understand what I will feel on Christmas when the 4 of us are not together. While my children may not know or understand it is me that will have to pick up the onset of pain that my children will experience as time go’s on. I dont want my children to struggle, I dont want my daughter to follow in her mothers footsteps by thinking that a man will only truly love you if they give that special “place” to them. I dont want my son to believe that for a woman to love him that he has to buy their love. I see the pain in Terra’s eyes when she comes here now to pick them up and drop them off but SHE is the one who has brought this onslaught of pain to our children, herself and me. Someone asked me the other day if I get butterflies when I see Terra I said no it feels more like hornets and I get angry because I SEEE first hand what this has done to Matthew & Ansley and it to know it didnt have to be this way breaks my inner being and makes me want to do bad things to the people who have hurt my children in such a devestating way. I may have said this in a previous blog but I went most of my life without children and NOW that I have children I could NEVER see my life without them and it breaks my heart to know that she walked away from them twice “censored” TWICE. I wouldnt do that, I couldnt do that. I can’t see how ANY parent can walk away from their own child, their own flesh and blood.

Matthew has been asking so many questions lately about Terra. Some of those questions are easily answered and some of them are getting more complex. He keeps on saying that he wants her to live here and I know that hurts him deeply when I tell him that mommy made her choice to leave and do the bad things that she has done to hurt this family. Matthew says that this isn’t his home and I try so hard to explain to him what it means to have a home and why this is his home, but he just cant grasp the fact. I wish he could understand how much I love him and Ansley and that I am protecting them as best as I can. My son knows what he wants and I believe I know what his sister wants but I can’t give that to them which means most. Ansley brought me the calendar that my mother made for us last year and on it had a picture from Ansley’s christening and it was a picture of Terra and I with Ansley over the baptism cake and we were both smiling. That was a hard picture to look at because I knew that there werent many pictures of us where we were smiling. I wish our relationship had been different I wish we were able to explore ourselves more before having children but thats not what was intended for us. I do not regret for 1 minute having children with Terra. I would have had more children with her but yet again it was not intended for us to go that distance. We never got to experience that of which many families do, Go to Disney, take a family vacation to the beach or even just take a road to trip to somewhere unknown. There are many times I wish we had taken those opportunities but it wasn’t meant to be. It seems that “our” family just wasn’t meant to be.

As my house slowly gets decorated for the most important holiday for “family” I am coming to accept the fact that I have a family of 3 instead of 4 and this family as we knew at as for so long is dead. I have tried so hard to wipe Terras memory from this home. Getting rid of any reminder of the fact that she once lived here. As I think about it more and more I realize that no matter how hard I try to wipe this slate clean, MY CHILDREN are my EVERYDAY reminder that she was here and I cant erase that. My children love her unconditionally and I told them that as long as they keep mommy within their hearts, it will NEVER matter how far away she is from them, that they will carry their love and memory for her with them wherever they go in life. Terra and her 2 sisters were abandoned by their mother when Terra was 5 years old and I know Terra is carrying around her own pandoras box and suitcase of memories within her own self. Until she recognizes that she IS her mother, she will NEVER change. My children deserve so much more than what is happening to them now and all I can do is talk to them when they want to talk, be there for them when I am needed and make it abundantly clear that I WILL NEVER LEAVE THEM! I love my children more than anything I could ever comprehend in this life and probably even the next life, I just wish they could understand why i am doing what I am doing, NOW not later. It is NOW that is hurting them, it is NOW that they feel pain, it is NOW that they feel sorrow and cry for her and don’t understand why she can’t be here. I understand why and I can’t tell them the truth.


Chapter 12 – A Broken Reflection

As I type what will be chapter 5 of my blogs I am talking to a person that has become a much different kind of friend to me than I have ever had before. This person has experienced the worst kind of loss that any parent could ever imagine, or at least any parent that cares about their child(ren) could ever imagine. My friend has lost 2 of her children, babies no less and as I looked through the pictures of the 2 children she lost I felt a deep sense of loss for this family that had to endure this devestation twice. I told her that she is stronger than I could ever be. There is no way I could ever cope with the loss of 1 of my children let alone 2. The one picture I looked at that hit me hardest was captioned “A father says goodbye” No father should ever have to say goodbye to their child! Why is life so cruel to take a person that has done NOTHING wrong, but continue to leave those who rape, murder, cheat and steal to walk this earth amonst those who care about their familes, love their children, struggle everyday to do the right thing and be a positive role model for the future of this world. I have come to realize that I have cried more for other people in the last month than I have for my own sorrows and loss.

I HATE to see my children in pain and I cry EVERYTIME I see them hurt, I dont do it in front of them because I am daddy and I am supposed to be strong for them but it seems like I cant even be strong for myself anymore. I am devestated when my son TELLS ME that mommy broke his heart and that he doesnt want to live here anymore or that this isn’t his home. How do I respond to that, how do I keep from hating the one that has broken my sons soul. My son and daughter used to smile ALL THE TIME now I feel blessed if I can go 1 day without tears from either 1 of them. I hate Terra for what she has done to my babies and I have found myself being a person that I NEVER wanted to be before. There are times that I look in the mirror and all I see is a broken reflection of the person I once was and I “censored” g hate it with all my heart. I have NEVER hated so much at one time in all my life. It is breaking me down and I know my children feel it because IIIIIIIIIIIIII sweat it from my pores when Terra is in front of me and my children are crying because of her. Children have the innocence of not knowing what hatred is, but the humanity of being able to experience sorrow in the worst form, and that is loss and abandonment.

As Christmas draws closer I am having more and more trouble being able to keep my thoughts together. I cannot sleep, my mind races throughout the night. I have woken up in cold sweats many times in tears or on the verge of tears. My children are my constant reminder that it doesnt matter how young or old you are, how thick or thin you are, how tall or short you are, sorrow comes in all forms, shapes and sizes. I see my children in CONSTANT pain and it breaks my heart EVERY “censored” G DAY. I am trying to deal with the constant struggle and inner conflict of being able to be civil to the one that has hurt them most. Is it wrong to wish HELL on someone? I am trying so hard to believe that it is wrong and I am trying to see past it, but take the opportunity to look into my childrens crying eyes when they are faced with the memories of what once was. I want to believe that hatred is wrong, I want to feel that hatred is wrong, but I cant, no matter how hard I try with all my heart I cant. I look at the BLACKNESS in my daughters eyes as she screams unconsoliably for the 1 person who abandoned her twice and yet she still finds reason to love the person who hurt her most. Maybe children truly are stronger than we believe them to be. My children are stronger than I am because THEY are able to give love unconditionally through all their pain, all their sorrow and all their inner hurt to a person who deserves nothing less than……………….

I slowly feel my humanity slipping away, which means that maybe my sorrow is slowly slipping away also. I am becoming that of which I NEVER wanted to be. I feel as though I am drowning within my own anger with no outlet except my hatred and rage to try to channel into something better. The truth is there is no better! I feel what I feel for a reason. It is because I am daddy and mommy that I feel confusion but what I DO KNOW IS THIS, I am DADDY FIRST I am the protector of MY 2 children and I WILL protect my children even if it means MY LIFE OR DEATH and in a small way I feel it leaning torwards that more and more as each day passes. Let this be a warning to those who come torwards my children in a bad or threatening way, I will “censored” g kill you with the most extreme hatred that BOTH parents can feel at once for the love of their child against those who may hurt the ones they love MOST! I WILL be asked by my family to take this blog down but I wont SO DON”T ASK, because this is who I am and this is what I have now become. I am not me anymore so dont try to change who I have become. MOST parents feel the way I do but just wont say it out loud. I have the balls to say it and make it known. DON”T “censored” WITH MY CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Chapter 13 – The Blood in Their Tears

My heart breaks more and more every day that I have to watch BOTH of my babies in pain and suffering. I want so bad for this feeling to leave my body but all it does is burn deep within me. What is the cost of a childs happiness? What is the cost to alleviate their pain? These are THEIR childhood years and I never wanted them to become statistics, I NEVER wanted my children to come from a broken home. I feel as though everything around me is being destroyed. My family has been destroyed, my childrens happiness has been destroyed. The sad part of it is, which I have only recently admitted to myself, I AM partially responsible for my childrens sorrow, I wish with all my “censored” heart I had never let Terra come back. I look into my childrens eyes when they cry, scream and beg for their mother to come home and my soul breaks inside EVERY “censored” G TIME. I “censored” hate this. I wish I didnt have to face Christmas. I wish there was no Christmas. Christmas was my favorite holiday for “family” and it still should be but its not. Now I feel like I am taking what Christmas used to mean to me and butchering its meaning because of my hatred, resentment and bitterness let alone sorrow and anger. All I see when I look at them is pain and suffering but maybe im just looking at myself in them and because it hurts so much thats all I see. I truly feel like I am working against myself. What is it about the past that some people cant let go of. My whole life I grew up with my mother, father and brother as 1 unit. We didnt always see eye to eye but I felt that sense of security amongst those who I loved most. I find myself trying to hold on to a lost dream of that of which was family. I am trying to see so hard that I can have a family of 3 but I still just cant see that big picture that I spoke about in an earlier blog. I always wanted the best for my children and to let them have that sense of security that I grew up with. Someone once said that the greatest gift you can give your children is to love their mother, but I have been there and done that, went to hell came back got “censored” over and now my children pay the price and THEY are IN HELL. Terra has made it impossible for me to ever love her again through her selfish actions alone. I never thought aout being mommy and daddy but now that I am faced with it there is no other choice but to be both. No matter how hard I try I cant seem to find that inner peace within my soul to be able to let all of the regret of things that I have done go, or keep thinking about things that I could have done differently. I find myself questioning and second guessing myself more than ever. I feel like I am lost on this deserted road with no light to guide me. My children are not the light and I cant use them as a tool to help me through what it is I face on a daily basis, It is IIIIIIII that MUST help them but I don’t know how. I have always said that I would sacrafice my happiness for my children but I never truly thought it would come to that. I don’t regret doing it at all. If it is one thing I have learned from all of this it is There is NO prosthetic for a childs broken heart. I hear almost daily that my sons heart is broken and that it IS mommy that broke his heart, and its sad when there is NOTHING I can do to comfort him. There will be a day when ANY single parent may be faced with the questions of “Why didnt daddy/mommy love me” “Why didnt daddy/mommy stay” “Did daddy/mommy leave because of me” These questions will be the hardest in the wold to answer. EVERY answer you give MUST be an age appropriate response, unless he/she is old enough to know the truth, then tell them THE TRUTH. I have been through more pain in the last 6 mos than in my whole life, and Whatever my destiny is it remains to be seen. There is SOOOOOO MUCH I wanted for family but at this time I can see it wont happen, maybe its not meant to happen for me, As long as my children grow up to be respected by people and loved and cared about and they return those great qualities I will have done my job as a parent, as a daddy and as a mommy. I AM scared of what the future holds for my children and myself. I see the pain and despair behind their eyes and it destroys me and it has made me into someone I never wanted to be. I find myself being stolen by demons that plague what society is today. I am more hateful than ever before because of what my children go through on a daily basis. I cry EVERYTIME my childrens hearts break because Terra leaves and you can see it in their tears. I cry for my children almost daily, some days are better than others, some days im stronger than others. Overall though I have been made into someone I never was before, and its eating a hole in everything that has ever made me good in this life. I am my childrens ship meant to take them safely to wherever they must go, I just wish I could find that lighthouse to help us find our way.


Chapter 14 – Past, Present and Future

What is it about the new year that makes people want to do better? New years resolutions, new beginnings a strive to make the new year better than the last. When I woke up New years day it hit me like a freight train, my feelings, my emotions, my pains, sorrows all came to meet up with me all at once. Everybody asked me if I was ready for Christmas and I would tell them that I didnt care if Christmas came or not, and that if it didnt show up this year I wouldnt be upset. Now Christmas has come and gone so fast that with everything I have been through in the last year I almost wish I could get it back to try to make it more special more of what I remember Christmas used to mean to me. As I sit here typing this now I look at 2007 and I know it is easily the hardest and most painful year I have ever had, let alone for my children. This new years was the first year that “MY family” was not all together. This was the first New years that I didnt even have my children with me. I will not lie but I still wish my family was together, for the many years to come but the family I knew is gone and wont be together again. People say my children ARE my family and I understand what they mean when they say that I just wish there were things I could let go about my past with Terra, but when you spend so long with someone even through all the heartache and pain you still feel the loss of something that was there maybe not on their end but on my own. I sometimes ask myself, if I could relive the last 7 years of my life over again exactly as it happened would I? The bittersweet answer is I would :-..

It seems like the harder I try to do better something within me brings me backwards. Yesterday I aced my learners permit test for driving and it was only the second day of the new year, so I felt like I accomplished something and great within my life a HUGE step forward. Then the night came and as I layed down to sleep with my children my mind started going into overdrive as I drifted off into where peace and relaxation is supposed to be. People were in my dreams who shouldnt have been there, people from my past, people who brought me down and made me into someone I never wanted to be. I could feel the sadness and mental anguish in my dreams as I looked at some of these people wondering what could have been had they been a different kind of person to me. What if they had been different people would I have acted different torwards them. I KNOW I am responsible for my own fate, live by the sword die by the sword ya know. I knew Karma had come to punish me for all the wrong things that I have done in my life but it appears that 2007 was just the beginning of what karma had in store for me and as long as I still feel this pain and sorrow within me I know im still paying for my sins and other bad things that I have done in my past, and there have been MANY. I have become so unsure of my own self that even with a new year I am still unsure of who I am and who I may be 5 years from now. I am afraid of the future and what it holds, like Christmas I feel myself not caring if the future comes or not and when the future officially comes and goes I will look back and wish that I had done what I needed to do to make it better.

There is so much that I am facing now and that I am about to face, I MUST face my past as not to live and dwell in it, I must accept the future for whatever it brings my children and I as I have no way of stopping the future from coming and I must do what I have to do to TRY to make it better. The reality is, life is a tug of war but not just on 2 ends, it is in ALLLLLLL directions and I feel like I am being torn apart from more directions than I have to give. I understand what my mother & father meant by it is always easier to do the wrong thing, because I am trying so hard to do the right thing for my children, for my family, for my myself, for our lives together and ITS SO “censored” HARD. I have always taken the easiest way out of things, no matter what it came to. I took on the responsibilty of my children because I AM THEIR DADDYand I KNOW what they mean to me, I KNOW I love them more than anything I could ever comprehend, but now I feel like I was dropped out of an airplane in the middle of the atlantic ocean and I dont know which direction to swim. This is not how I wanted to start the new year, but I guess all things take time to right themselves and all wounds take time to heal. What if some wounds arent supposed to heal, maybe they are meant to stay open as not to make the same mistakes twice. I look back at some of my past friendships/relationships and as I have always been “feast or famine” within my own life I also applied that with people whom I once cared about and even some of the ones whom I care about now. I never compromised, I always wanted things my way and I want to sever that part of me as it has played a role in the destruction of the life I knew but I cant, because I dont want to feel like I am living in something that is not really there.

To my children Matthew & Ansley

If you learn anything from me, it would be to hold on to your dreams.

Learn from MY mistakes and it will take off some of the weight.

I say you have your whole life to live and SO MUCH more to give

NEVER compromise and you will NEVER live a lie!


  Chapter-15 Crossroads
Current mood: Doesn’t matter
Category: Doesn’t matter

I have come to a point in my life in which i dont know whether to turn or go straight, it feels like I have come to the crossroads of which any way i go I will succeed and fail at the same time. I still deal with my childrens pain on an almost daily basis and it still to this day breaks my heart. I hate seeing that painful black in my daughters eyes and it destroys me when my son tells me that his heart is still broken. What have i done to deserve all the pain and sorrow that I am facing. Why is Karma still haunting me, my nights, my dreams and all the other good things in my life. Why is Karma bringing me so much sorrow? What have my children done to deserve this “censored” up life that i helped give them. I never wanted this for them, I never wanted them to experience this pain that I feel within me. All day today I had within my mind to give up, just give up on the 2 people who make me complete. I don’t think i can give them the life that they truly deserve. My son has so much love within him and I and his mother are taking the very BEST quality that he has to offer everyone and helping him bury it within him because of what we are putting him through. My daughter is my protege, she is who I was when I was her age and I don’t want them to live the life that I have now.

My life is filled with hurt and a relentless feeling of loss of what was once within this home. Everytime I look into their faces all I see is what I remembered them as, because I don’t want to see what they are becoming. I honestly feel that I have failed them, I have failed the 2 people I am not supposed to fail. I don’t know who I am anymore and I am constantly reminded within me of what i am becoming. I wish this would all end, I wish my life would end so I never know what happens in the future good or bad. I dont want to see the future and what it has in store for my children. They have become statistics and they didn’t deserve that life. They don’t deserve the life I or their mother give them now. I feel like I am drowing in my own self pity and lack of self worth because I feel as though I cant give my children a good life, I have the ability to I just dont have the heart to fight anymore. I wish I would die in my sleep, I wish I could just drift off into a dream of both my children happy and filled with love that they spread to those they love and never return from that dream. Every dream I have now feels so real and they are always so horribly wonderful that its like a fairy tale. I dont want this any “censored” g more. I dont want to watch the destruction of the 2 I love most. Please someone, something take this pain away from me.

Life of Agony wrote a song called Drowning and it has more meaning to me than any other song they ever wrote. I can’t go on like this anymore, this song has way to much “censored” truth and meaning to it, that it almost feels like it was wrote specially for me. There is way to much music that I listen to that brings back to many memories that I just don’t want to face. Maybe im weak and that I am broken. I let another persons actions break me, how “censored” sorry is that “censored” ? I have chosen to keep this blog private, this is the first blog that I didnt want people to know what was in my head. I want my family back, I want my children to be happy again, I want everything that my children deserve in this life to happen for them. But all I am is a “censored” failure who still to this day as I wrote so many blogs back was a waste of a “censored” man who couldnt keep his family together. When will this onslaught of “censored” pain stop? I wish my life was different, I wish I could give my children all that they need. I want my children to know as and when they get older that i did the best I could for them and that i love them more than anything in this world. They are my world but I feel that with each day that passes I fail them more and more :”””-(

Drowning-Life of Agony

I’m dieing
I’M trying
I’m crying ’cause i aint got nothing so
Dont bother trying to stop me
I’m drowning in my own self pity so
Stop preaching ’bout livin for a brighter day
You know as well as i do Praying never stopped the rain
I’ts still rainin on me
Im drownin

I’m drownin ’cause i aint got nothin so
Dont bother tryin to stop me
Im drownin in my own self pity so
Dont bother wiping these tears away
‘Cause at the end of the rainbow it still rains
It still rains on me
I’m drowning

I’m drowning ’cause i aint go nothin so
Dont bother trying to stop me
Im drownin in my own self pity so
Dont bother wiping my tears away
‘Cause at the end of the rainbow it still rains
Its still rainin on me

The hand on the clock keep pointing at me
The remote control has a mind of its own
I forgotten how long it has been
This razor blade feels closer then my own skin
Wont someone wipe these tears away
It dont matter cause nothing can stop the rain
It still rains on me

I’m drownin
I’m drowning cause i aint got nothin so
Dont bother tryin to stop me
Im drowning in my own self pity so
Dont bother wiping my tears away
Cause at the end of the rainbow it still rains
Its still raining on me

Im Drowning
Im drowning cause i aint got nothing so
Dont bother trying to stop me
Im drowning in my own self pity so
Dont bother wiping my tears away
Cause at the end of the rainbow it still rains



Tuesday, April 01, 2008

  The final chapter-Seperate Ways

It has been so long since I have written anything of the events that have happened within my family over the last year. I feel like my life has come just short of a full circle. Terra and I have gone our seperate ways but have remained “Joined” for our children. Lindsay and I have been together for a little over 2 months and everytime I look into her eyes I know and understand why we have to meet the “wrong” people in life to be able to distinguish them from the ones you are meant to be with. It has been such a long year, many emotions, feelings, ups and downs have enriched and destroyed my life many times at the same time. I had forgotten what it was like to be happy, but as I have said before happiness is a bi-product of life because it can be experienced just as fast as it can be taken away as with sadness. It has been said that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and to a point I believe this but I also feel that the level of pain and sorrow of what is experienced can also numb you to the things that MUST be part of life. I lost my grandfather about a month ago and I felt NOTHING, no pain, no sadness just a slight feeling of regret for not letting him know that I loved him and not talking to him before he left this place to go someplace better. It hurts me to think that I have been through so much sorrow over the last year that I am not feeling the things in the natural order of what NATURE deems to be acceptable. There have been other women in my life since my family was destroyed and none of them have even come close to what I feel for Lindsay, but at the same time happiness comes at a price. Closure is what IIIII believe to be the final chapter in all the events that have been suffered in the series of events that one has suffered. This is the first time in over a year that I have been truly happy and known what it means to love and feel loved for that matter and the price of that is, I KNOW now as I “FELT” before that my family as I knew it will never be as it was. I have someone in my life that I care deep;y about, Terra has found someone new and it is now that I feel closure at its best and worst at the same time. I look back at the pain and sorrow that we BOTH experienced and it hurts to know that it was BOTH of our actions that contributed to the demise of this family. I hope that both of us have learned from our mistakes and we live our lives differently not just for us but for the true reason a family is a family which is our children. I will always have a place in my heart for Terra as I feel that she will have that place in her heart for me, but I now know and understand what it means to be in love with someone. I am in with love Lindsay and I will say it openly for every1 to read. I must remember ALL the sorrows that have been experienced to never walk that road again and to live my life for my family or even better, family to be. I want to remember what it took to get to this point and I FEEEEEEEEL the pain NOW within me with ALL MY HEART. 1 year ago I was a lost soul who watched his family crumble under his feet and now I am becoming a tree, its a small tree but everyday I grow stronger and I feel as though I have more to give. Being a small tree is so much better than being an empty telephone pole with nothing to grow off of it just the same never growing never giving back. I miss my family but everyday I spend with those in my life I care most about my roots get stronger. I thought there was no light at the end of my tunnel of sorrow and I thought there were those who entered my life who were going to be the ones to get me out but it was MEEEEEE and those who truly cared and loved me for the person that I am, good or bad that have put me on my final stretch. There is so much I want for my childrens future, my family’s future and my own future. I slowly experiencing what it feels like to feel joy rather than happiness, I believe that when my life comes full circle and I can completely let go of my past is when I will become more powerful than I could ever imagine. This may very well be my last entry in this book that I have wrote from NOTHING short of my heart and EVERYTHING I have felt along the way. I am no longer lost, I am no longer full of the hate that destroyed me from the inside out, I am no longer alone within my mind. I have finally found that mental solace that I desired for so long. It has been so long that I felt what it truly meant to feel alive and I am slowly learning it again day by day. Thank you to all who have read my blogs over the past year, offered their advice and were there when I needed you most. Until I wrote this final blog I thought I had become hollow with no emotion and feeling and now I just see that everything that makes me who I am was just misguided by own pain, sorrow and anguish. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Published by tim9910 on 10 Sep 2008

New products that you should give a try

Lets face it, our sport is a virtual spawning bed for new gizmos and gadgets.  Some of them prove helpful, some we never hear about, and some are just plain ridiculous.  Everyone is trying to cash in on this ever growing market, mostly thanks to the big name hunters on Sunday morning television.  They endorse a product, they show footage of the product being used in the field (and they would never use editing to slip it in after the hunt!) and amazingly get a record book animal within kicking distance and make a perfect shot on the unsuspecting critter.  Oh how I wish it really worked like this, not that I haven’t had those “perfect scenarios”, albeit not on the caliber of game on t.v. . But that’s life outside the $5K a day ranches, where trophy bucks are 10 pointers that have somehow survived weekend warriors for 3 or 4 years.  Even a heavy 8 pointer at 2.5 years is perfectly welcome on my living room wall.

The first product I want to tell you about is from Illusion Game Call Systems.  They’re new grunt call, the first offering from this company of highly regarded waterfowl and newer turkey calls is aptly named The Extinguisher.  I think a better name for this during the rut would be the fire starter, and then I can use the extinguisher call sign for the 340 grains of sleep aid I prescribe to the critter of choice!  Seriously though, this call works well.  This will be the second season it has been on the market and I can’t wait to put it to use again.  The benefits of this call are multiple, some of my favorites being the mod slide that can change from a fawn in distress to a deep buck grunt with just one finger.  The tone of the call is the main attraction for me, even though it is a plastic tube and call it retains a warmer tone than that of cheaper and honestly dated designs.  I had great success with this call  last year in October using the fawn bleat and attracting curious does, and also in pre-rut through the rut on cruising bucks and blind calling.  I have a lot of confidence in this call which is not something I had experienced previously, as I used to be a shut up and sit still hunter.  Hopefully the popularity will grow and they will be available in the big name stores soon but they are popping up in pro shops around the country at a steady rate. They are also a big sponsor of Archery Talk, which is how I cam to find out about them.  If you haven’t heard of them or were curious about the effectiveness, I recommend giving them a try.  If you need a world class deer to be taken with one to convince you, I believe the biggest last season was somewhere in the ballpark of 207 inches.  You can find out more at

Used with presumed permission from Illusion Systems

Used with presumed permission from Illusion Systems

The other product I wanted to tell you about is one for all archers, not just hunters.  While there are many offerings of string suppressors on the market, the Bow Rattler from Falcon Products USA, is by far the upper class version in my opinion.  These close tolerance machined adjustable suppressors make such a difference in bow handling and quietness that not having one is a rather ridiculous proposition.  I have one on each of my bows, including my 07 Hoyt which came with a factory version.  Replacing it made a noticeable difference in the recoil and silence of the bow, and lets face it how many products do we buy that actually show immediate positive results.  They offer one for virtually any bow on the market, including front mount versions for those lacking the mounting holes on string side of the riser.  If your bow doesn’t have one on it, or your not completely happy with what you have, you should definitely give them a try.  I wouldn’t own a bow without one now that I have, and I am confident that you will feel the same.  And they are also a sponsor of AT like the previous offering I mentioned.  You can find out more at

Used with presumed permission

Used with presumed permission

Everyone has their favorite products for archery, and these are mine as of late.  I don’t want to force feed anything to anyone, I just wish to spread the word about these new and outstanding products.  I am also a huge fan of Archery Talk, and I believe in supporting the sponsors that help keep the forums running.  Either one of these products are top notch and I hope you give them a try.  I did and I haven’t regretted it one bit.  That’s more than I can say about some of the gadgets I’ve tried in the past!


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