Quiver Quips / Bow and Arrow Hunting Magazine

Feb. 1990

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The weather man is calling for a twenty four inch snow storm here in Roanoke county Virginia.   more snow than we will have gotten in fifteen years, also setting records for the month of December!  Anyways, i decide it will be fun to hunt in the snow and i should get to my tree stand before it starts snowing heavily.  As soon as i start walking into the edge of the woods i can barely see through the sno

 

windburn 🙁

w. i don’t turn back.  By the time i get to my stand already an inch and a half of snow has fallen and the steps are slippery climbing up.  im sweating and i should have lived in that last moment of warmth.  finally hooked in my stand i start to feel the snow flakes and wind on my cheeks.  windburn was in my future. my big fluffy NON-waterproof coat was starting to turn white and so was the rest of my clothing. i had to stand up to get some of it off before it all soaked in.  this turned into a routine.  an hour has passed and I’m colder than I’ve ever been in my life, and it feels like the temperatures dropping.  it hurts to look to my left; the wind and snow are hitting me harder than ever.  the next two hours were miserable.  i hadn’t seen a a squirrle  much less a deer and i was about to die so i lower my bow down and descend down the slippery steps once again.  up the hill i fell more times than i can count and next time i WILL dress warmer!

It was a beautiful, crisp, fall day and I wanted to be hunting so badly, but I really had too much work to do. It is so true, “Work really gets in the way of hunting.” So, I decided I’d do a little practicing with my relatively new Browning compound bow. I did have enough time to do that.

I have a really wonderful place to practice tree stand shooting—from my second story kitchen window. As you know the arrow doesn’t drop as much when shot from and elevated position. All I had to do to duplicate my tree stand was to open the window in my kitchen (I had removed the screen for this purpose), which was on the second floor of our home, and shoot at the targets I had set up at various distances in my back yard.

I was having a great shoot—really making me want to hunt because I was shooting “lights out” that day. My wife came into the kitchen and we exchanged pleasantries and she went about her work in the kitchen. I went down to retrieve my arrows for another round of practice. After removing the arrows from the targets I decided to move the targets around a little to give me a new shooting perspective.

I finally came back to the kitchen—my wife was doing something at the kitchen counter—and I picked up my bow and nocked and arrow. I drew and took steady aim and hit the release. What happened for the following few moments is still a blur. Immediately upon pulling the release trigger there was this absolutely awful, deafening CRASH! For an instant or two I didn’t know what had happened. The first thought that came to mind was that by bow had disintegrated. I looked at it and kind of gave my self a once over to see if I was hurt but everything seemed to be alright. About the same time I turned toward my wife and I swear her eyes were as big as half dollars and there was a look of terror on her face. She later said that my eyes were also as wide as half dollars and I too had this awful, panic-stricken look.

I was finally able to gather my wits and take stock of the situation. The bow was intact and the arrow had indeed been launched, but there the arrow lay in the middle of the kitchen floor . . . with broken glass laying all around it. It was now evident. My wife had shut the window (the air being cool) when I went down to get my arrows. She thought I was through practicing. The window was so clean (that was unusual) that I hadn’t noticed she had closed it and she was so involved in her project at the counter that she hadn’t noticed me nock and draw my arrow.

For the life of me, I still can’t explain the arrow being in the kitchen floor. Why hadn’t it penetrated the window and gone somewhere outside? The arrow appeared to be in good condition, something I definitely couldn’t say about the kitchen window. This practice session I had done much more than shoot “lights out,” I had shot the window out.

My wife has never let me live this one down—although I still declare her to be at fault for closing the window, but of course, she lays all the blame squarely on my shoulders. It’s bad enough that she won’t let me live it down, but she has made sure all my friends and hunting buddies know what I did that day. Well, we all still get a big laugh out of it.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I have been going to deer camp for the past 15 years and each year something new happens.  More often than not, more beer gets drank than deer get shot but its not always about success but the laughs and friendships made.  What happens at deer camp usually stays at deer camp but I have to share this one.  I still don’t believe it myself.

Deer camp consists of going to my buddy Ralph’s place. He has a 100 acre homestead that was given to him by his grandmother when she passed on. On it, sits a nice old farmhouse that is roughly 40 years old. Its got the basics that a group of 8 or so guys need.  Beds, kitchen, bathroom and a card table to pass the bull and share stories of work, women, deer, & jokes. 

Now this year’s deer camp had a new visitor. He was a friend of Ralph’s and seemed to be a very likable guy. Then again at deer camp, all the guys get along and take in whatever straggler who wants to be part of it. The only requirement, you do your fair share of the cooking and know what areas of the land you can venture out too and this is purely on the sake of safety.

Now after the day’s hunts Ralph and the rest of us would wander into town to the local watering holes. The parking lots would be filled with cars and during deer season most if not all were out of towners trying to see what the nightlife gave off and maybe hunt deer of the two legged kind. This is a two town bar and as soon as you enter one of them, all eyes focus on you until you sit down and the waitress takes your order. So when 8 of us roll in, we’re lucky to even find a table.

So this takes me back to the new guy Ralph brought to camp this year. As we enter the bar he buys the first round and right away you sense this guy is alright. Within minutes of getting our drinks he meets the bartender and finds out her story. This guy is smooth, very smooth. So after a little while we decide to go to the other bar in this town. A whole 100 yards down the street. The new guy in our group decides to stay at the current bar as he and the bartender are making small talk. As we leave some in our group questions whether he will be coming home with us tonight or going to the bartender’s home. Hard to say as the night is still young but I bet he’s coming back with us!

As we go to the other bar we get the same reaction when we walk in. All eyes draw to the city boys coming up to their area for hunting. Within minutes though they are back to nursing their beers and we are yesterday’s news. As we chat about the days hunt and what tomorrow brings we realize its getting kinda late. Now myself I am not much of a drinker. I came for the hunting but with this group that appeared to be hunting for Wild Turkey on this night. I didn’t have an issue with it as the group is pretty civil even when they are drinking.  I just try to keep them from making fools of themselves.

So after spending 2 hours at this other bar we realize Ralph’s friend still hasn’t come over to this bar and must be over at the other one. The group decides that we should go find him. As we walk back into that first bar we get that same initial reaction. As the door swings open all the locals look our way and we try to find a table and our buddy. Well at this time the place is full, its standing room only for us. We find Ralph’s buddy who is still mingling with the bartender and has made a few new friends and now understands what winter wheat and what an International Harvestor is.

We can tell its time to go as his speech is slurred a little and we know if he’s going to make the 5AM breakfast call he needs to go to bed soon. As he stumbles out of that bar he wishes everyone a good night and the group is headed back to deer camp.

Now from this point it seems like everyone would be ready to find their beds and crash for the night. I call it night when in reality its 2AM and in 3 hours its time to get up. This will separate the men from the boys. Ralph’s friend decides though he wants some food and makes himself a late night snack in the kitchen.  So after his snack he crashes in his bedroom.

Myself, I am on the sofa in the living room. That has been my official spot for about 5 years now and I like it because I usually fall to sleep with ESPN on. Well as I settle in most of the gang has found their beds or sleeping bags laying on the living room floow and its lights out for all except for the TV being on. A long days hunt will wear you out so within minutes of your head hitting that pillow your out.

For some odd reason I heard something in my sleep. The sound of a stream of water but not like a faucet splashing water in the sink.  As I adjust my eyes to the darkness I can’t believe what I am seeing. Ralph’s friend is standing up and peeing on the Lazboy chair about 8 feet away. I am caught off guard and I call out his name but he doesn’t appear to answer and at this point it appears his bladder is done. I can’t believe what I had just seen and with 2 hours left of sleeping before we get up I am not sure what to do. Either go back to sleep or be the next piece of furniture to get pee’d on!

I opted for option #2. I lay on the sofa with my eyes towards Ralph’s friend’s bedroom making sure he doesn’t have another urge to go again.

Well before I know it, its time to get up for the another day of hunting.  I am the only one getting up for the days hunt.  The others are deep in sleep and hungover.  I open the door to Ralph’s room and tell him to avoid the Lazboy as his buddy peed on it.  He says “what” but doesn’t comprehend and goes back to sleep.  I am off for the days hunt myself. 

When I return about 5 hours later for lunch I see my buddy Ralph sitting in that chair.  Staring at him I asked him if he remembered what I said about that chair?  He says, “no” I then tell him to feel his left leg which should be a little damp.  By that point I am laughing about it and telling others what I witnessed last night.  Ralph’s friend can’t believe it but said he tends to sleep walk after a night of hard drinking.  As my buddy decides what to do with the chair I simply laugh and say it can only happen at deer camp!

     Well ladies and gentlemen, I am about to embark you on a hilarious adventure into my first bow Hunting experience!!  I had been hunting whitetails with a shotgun for about 10 years prior to meeting my best friend Pat.  Once pat and i started discussing whitetail hunting, he encouraged me to get a bow and he would teach me.  After being a little reluctant I purchased a used bow and began shooting the Summer of 2002.  Pat took his time and patience and taught me the ins and outs of bow hunting.  By Fall of 2002 I was ready to get into a tree stand, or so I thought.  Opening Day of archery season in 2002 Pat takes me to his hunting property.  280 acres of timber right in the heart of Whitetail Country in illinois.  mind you that Pat and his 4 other friends that hunt this property are all in between 5’10 tol 6’4 all around 175 to 225 pounds, and most of them can climb a tree like a Monkey!!!  Well at that time I was a phelt 6’1 340lbs, without any gear on. So the entire 2 hour truck ride to the Farm and I kept asking Pat, “you sure you have a tree stand that I can easily get into?”  He assured me that he had the perfect stand picked out for me and he guaranteed me a shot at a whitetail. 

     Well October 1st, 2002 we arrive at the property and get all our gear on and our bows and head to the woods!!!  after about a 1/2 mile walk Pat and I are standing in front of a huge Maple tree and Pat looks at me and points 30 feet up in the air, and stated “there it is the best stand on the property, I look at him and then back at the stand and there was no ladder or even screw in steps.  I asked him how in the world was I suppose to get in the stand, ” I don’t have wings!!” He stated” oh it is so easy, just take the branches all the way up, well mind you it is October in Illinois, it is 85 degrees, and the wind is blowing a brisk 25 miles per hour.  So he leaves me so I can make my journey into the stand.  He walks to his stand which is only about 150 yards from me and I begin my journey to the stand.  I hook my bow and backpack to the tow up rope and start out on the bottom branch, and thinking to myself that people at my funeral will at leaset know I died doing what I loved!!!!!  So I climb very cautiously and carefully, taking my time sweating and cursing the enire way.  25 minutes later I am on the branch right beside the tree stand, which looks about as big as a shoe box!!!!  I tip toe into the stand praying the lock on rusted 12 inch by 12 inch platform would hold my girth, as i bear hug the tree, like that was going to save me I finally make it onto the platform and into the 6 inch wide cloth seat, mind you I have now sweated off around 3lbs so I am a hefty 337lbs in a tree stand rated for 250lbs, not a good situation.  Once situated inthe stand and get my bearings, the wind started to pick up and with every gust the tree top swayed and so did me and my toddler chair i was sitting in!!!, so at this point I go to pull u my gear, which has my safety belt in the backpack, and I start slowly pulling my pack up to me, when about halfway up, you guessed it, caught up and wrapped around three branches!!!!!!!!!  There was no way in He!! I was clmbing back down this tree, so I did what any hot, sweaty, fat man would do and screamed as loud as i could for my bussy PAT!!!!!!!!  Who got me into this situation!!  Pat made the 150 yards through a cut cornfield in less than 10 secs and standing at the base of my treee, scowling at me, he stated”I thought you fell or was hurt!’  I told him I was not hur but I needed a little assisstance in getting my gear untangled before I just gave up on bow hunting and went back to the house for a chair and a beer!!!!    So I get my bow and safety harness and he gets back to his stand.  The enitre hunt I don’t care about deer, but I am focused and praying not to fall with each and every gust of wind!!!  SO finally around a half hour before sunset a yearling made her way to 20 yards a stopped.  I got to my shakey feet, drew back and had so much adrenaline goign that I shoot a foot over back, but what an awesome experience even after goign through all that misery, I was hooked!!!!

    At dark my buddy and mentor came back to get me and I was still in the tree, telling him all about the yearling and how awesome bow hunting was and trying to climb down the branches in the dark was more of a challenge then climbing up!!!  I get to about 10 foot off the ground and I am hanging by one branch and trying to find the other branch with my foot, my buddy Pat is trying the best he can to help me but is crying from laughing.  I finally get to tired to hold on anymore, mind you I am 340 pounds, and I tell him I am going to jump to get out of my way, by this time Pat is vapor locked and can’t peak and I look like the Biggest Man ever to be on a pommel Horse going for the Gold in the Fat Man Olympics, so after about three good swings to clear from the tree, I land on the ground with a thunderous roar and all my weight going forward and I ran smack dab in between to saplings on my knees and come to a halt as the two trees fall completely over!!!!  What a ride.  Well I hope I have visualized for everyone my first boe hunt as a fat man and hopefully some of you Plus Size fellas can relate to the tradegy of being a big man in the Hunting Woods!!!

Thanks for Reading

Tucker

It was still dark when I softly closed the door on my old beater nissan pick-up truck and started up towards the ridge above me, the fog was so thick that I had only about twenty yards visibility. I had bedded down a monster bull (7×7) on the back side of the ridge the previous night, and was hoping to find him this morning. I was “still hunting” my way up through the middle of a two year old clear cut, and as luck would have it, my Ol’ pal “Murphy” was hunting with me.

I had not gone more than one hundred yards up the clear cut when I heard a noise off to my right, I slowly hunkered down and looked over my right shoulder, I could just barely make out through the fog, two Cow Elk at twenty yards and they were looking right at me. I slowly faced forward again and as the fog rose I could see another Elk directly in front of me, I pulled up my range finder and ranged him at seventy yards,  (25 yards beyond my comfort zone) it was a 5×5 bull, Not the monarch of the forest I had bedded down the night before, none the less he was a respectable “Freezer Pet” for a meat hunter like myself.

The fog was lifting fast now and I could see that there were Cow Elk all around me, I had sneaked right into the middle of his harem and he was not sure what to do about it. The “Lead Cow” was not sure what was going on either but she did not want any part of it, she turned an trotted directly past the Bull, headed for the timber line gathering the rest of his Cows as she went. I had not moved a muscle after rangeing the Bull, and I watched them as they hit the edge of the timber, and instead of dissapearing into the thick reprod, they turned, went up the ridge line, and bedded down on a small knoll just below the top. Three of the bedded Cows were positioned such, that they could cover every approach from below.

I very slowly backed out the way I had come in, this satellite bull and his harem were now bedded between me and the Ol’ Monarch bull; it was time for a new game plan. After about ten seconds of extensive and extremely agonizing soul searching, I decided that a “Rag Horn” in the freezer is better than a “Monarch” in the bush, and on the bright side….I can always horn hunt next year.

With Murphy hunting the same bunch of elk that I was, I did not feel comfortable attempting to stalk them up the middle of the clear cut; too many eyes to observe me. By the same token, the reprod was only about 25′ tall and thicker than the fleas on a dogs back, also not a good choice. After studying the approach very carefully through my binoculars, I finally decided to sneak up the edge of the timber line on the South side of the clear cut, using the stumps and root wads as cover.

Two of the Cows were looking my direction initially, I had to wait untill both were looking elsewhere before I could cross the open ground of the fire break to the saftey of the first stump. After that it was just a matter of moving quietly from stump to root wad to snag when they were not looking. After two hours and approximately 800 yards I was pinned down in a position directly below the the knoll the Elk were bedded down on, I was a little nervous as there was a 40 yard stretch of ground with no cover in front of me and I could only see two of the Cows.

I was trying to decide how to proceed when the Cow directly above me stood up, I ducked back down behind the root wad thinking that I had been busted. The fog was still moving in and out sporadically and what slight breeze there was was in my favor, as it was still fairly cool and the thermals were moving downhill. I peeked around the root wad in time to see that the Cow above me was gone and the other was just vanishing around the back of the snag that she had been bedded down at.

It was now or never; I crossed the stretch of open ground to an old snag that had been pushed over and left lying at the edge of what I took to be a small bench. I dropped my pack, removed the quiver from my bow, took out two arrows, knocked a muzzy 100 grain 3 blade broadhead, set my Parker Hunter Mag beside me at the ready and began to scan everything in front of me with my range finder.

I heard noise from above me and to me left, I set my range finder down on my pack, and peeked out around the left side of the root wad. It truly does not get any better than this; the Elk had dropped down around the timber side of the knoll, The Bull was leading the way and he would pass directly in front of and about 30 feet above me at approximately 40 yards.

I quietly slithered back over and picked up my bow; I came to full draw while still on my knees and hunkered down behind the log. When I heard the Elk passing directly in front of me, I slowly raised up bringing my bow to shooting position in the same fluidly smooth motion, I was in perfect form, my sight pin tucked in low and tight behind the front shoulder with a perfect, slightly quartering away broadside shot. Enter “Uncle Murphy”. It was a cow Elk filling my sight picture and not the Bull. They had traded places after I had ducked down.

The 5×5 Bull was about two paces behind the Cow and quartering to me, not a shot that I would take. I had a decision to make and not a lot of time to make it. I could wait, and hope that the Bull would take a couple of steps and give me a broadside shot before the Cow came to her senses and bolted, or I could flex my shoulder muscles and put this freezer pet where it belongs, in the freezer!

Just before I heard the Cow give her alarm “bark”, I recalled the words of my late father. “Horn soup don’t stick to your ribs the way Backstrap does”. So I flexed my shoulder muscles and sent out a dinner invitation, in the form of a Beman 340 ICS Hunter, and she graciously accepted my invitation with no reservations.

 they would not leave after the shot.

Its almost like he can not believe that he is still alive.

She dropped where she stood, and rolled down to me.

The Moral of this story is, If you are going to hunt with “Murphy”, you have to be prepared to change plans in mid stream without losing your game.

You worked your 12 hour shift at the hospital, went home, changed clothes and then spent three and a half hours in the sun without sunscreen to participate in a 3D shoot. (Just a guess but I think that might turn Barack Obama into a redneck!)

Your arms have sunburn except for the tan line where your wrist release strap covered you.

You have mixed feelings about your performance. You are happy that you picked up 5 points more than last month’s shoot but wish you hadn’t gotten two misses.

No, this is not Dick Cheney’s chimpanzee. Yes, he’s safer to hunt with.

In the last installment, I recommended a few inexpensive gear upgrades that shouldn’t slip under the radar. Here are three more items that I think you’ll like.

Must-Have Base Layer: Rocky SIQ Atomic Zip Mock T

Lightweight/Compact:9

Durability: 9

Cost-Effectiveness: 7 ($38-45 online)

Usefulness: 10

Innovation: 8

It’s dead and gone. Like the Mariners’ playoff chances, like the social security that someone removes from our paychecks, like Hillary’s campaign – it’s dead and gone, never to be seen again. And I can’t say I’ll miss it. Sure, it’s comfy when you first put it on, and it smells nice out of the dryer, but after an hour or two the smell of dryer sheets is replaced with stinky little bacteria, like wearing a moist body-hugging petrie dish.

Goodbye cotton. You will not be missed.

Scent-blocking, moisture-wicking technology continues to improve year after year, and at this point there really is no excuse for wearing cotton into the field. This new stuff does the job that wool used to do, but without the weight, smell, or itchy texture. Most of us can afford just one or two improvements to our hunting clothes each year, and this is the best place to start. Rocky’s new shirts are outstanding in every regard. They are comfortable, quiet, and scent-free. They are designed with the bowhunter in mind: lightweight for those August and September days, but long-sleeved to keep the brush and bugs off. The half-zipper makes the shirt easy to take on and off, and it’s nice to have the ventilation whenever needed. These shirts are designed to fit snugly against your skin so that moisture is pulled away, so if you’re like me and fit between sizes (L to XL in my case), go with the smaller size. Two of these should get you through hunting season, and when combined with a good fleece and waterproof jacket, you’re ready for whatever weather pattern flies your way.

Rocky’s scent-removal technology is permanent, the micro-suede fabric is soft and tough without attracting burrs, and there’s even a convenient zippered pouch on the left arm for easy storage of your mouth call. With a great camo pattern to boot, this shirt will make you the best looking archer that anyone has never seen.

Must-Have Scent-Prevention System: Dead Down Wind’s ScentPrevent Personal Kit

Lightweight/Compact: 8

Durability: N/A

Cost-Effectiveness: 7 ($17-45 online depending on the kit)

Usefulness: 10

Innovation: 8

Question: What is the most common odor that you have to endure from your co-workers, spouse, or hunting dog? Nope, not that. While flatulence may be the worst odor, it certainly isn’t as common as halitosis. Since we exhale every few seconds, bad breath is public enemy number one for hunters. And at 5am, everyone of us have an odor factory attached to our tracheas (and don’t for a minute think that coffee improves anything).

Everyone has a favorite line of scent-prevention accessories, but does any manufacturer offer more options than Dead Down Wind? Their Personal Hygiene Kit provides deodorant, soap, and yes, breath spray. And with a myriad of other scent-eliminating products, they can neutralize any odor this side of New Jersey. Order their toothpaste for added anonymity.

Also, if (like me) you need a shower every couple of days in the field but don’t find elk wallows to your liking, you’ve probably discovered the value of moist towelettes. Unfortunately, buying scent-controlled towelettes gets spendy fast. So my method of choice is to buy the unscented, generic brand in bulk at any drug store, throw a few into a sealed plastic bag, and wipe away when I ripen in the sun. I use four or five to get cleaner than PETA’s steak knives, then spray down with scent remover afterward. It gets the job done at a fraction of the cost, and man, a towelette bath can hit the spot when your sleeping bag starts smelling like a junior high locker room.

Must-Have Reading Material: Mini-Bible, Appropriately Bookmarked

Lightweight/Compact: 8

Durability: 10

Cost-Effectiveness: 10

Usefulness: 10

Innovation: 10

When you get socked in to a one-man tent or bivy, there’s nothing like having some words of wisdom to make your down time up time. Here are a few of my favorite passages:

Discouraged? Flip to Job, Jeremiah or Lamentations. And realize that no matter how bad your trip is going, people have perservered through much worse. Feeling lonely? Look at the Psalms, and check out numbers 23 (awesome) or 51 (David’s prayer of repentance and restoration). Filled your tag, and feeling thankful? Read the story of Joshua or Psalm 100. Pondering the world’s problems, and wondering if answers actually exist? Try Matthew chapters 5-7…it’s the most comprehensive picture of peace and goodness that has ever been spoken, and teaches me something new every time I read it, which isn’t nearly often enough.

I also pack some hunting magazines and a journal. You never know when you’re going to need some extra motivation, and if you’re anything like me, your time in the mountains is your time for introspection. Reading successful stories from fellow hunters keeps me going on cold, miserable mornings, and I like to journal in the unlikely event that something deep and profound hits me. Three such thoughts from last season’s journal:

9/14/07 When chasing elk across canyon after canyon, bring release.

9/15/07 When chasing elk across canyon after canyon, bring bow.

9/24/07 Invent bow that shoots elk from across canyon.

Liquor and Beer………………………………………………………….$10.00

Wife’s beer…………………………………………………………………$2.95

Groceries………………………………………………………………….Credit

Life Insurance (wife’s)………………………………………………………75

Cigarettes………………………………………………………………….$4.00

Bingo………………………………………………………………………..$2.00

Lotto Gambling…………………………………………………………..$3.50

Dog Food (Man’s Best Friend)………………………………………..$1.25

Darts…………………………………………………………………………$3.50

—————————————————

TOTAL;   $27.95

This mean gone n’ de hole,

Solution, Eliminate Wife’s Beer

I always thought this one was cute,,  have a good one and be safe out there..bode