Chapter 11 – A Suitcase of Memories

just found out recently that Matthew has scarlet fever and that I will be off for the next week. I decided to start going through the rest of all of the old clothes and start clearing them out as I have 2 friends that are pregnant 1 with a boy and 1 with a girl, pretty convenient if you ask me. My friend Becky and I had started going through Ansleys old clothes and I felt a sense of OOOOOLD emotions and memories as I remembered some of the special things that I had bought for Ansley from the time she was born till now. Today I started going through Matthews things and It opened up a “suitcase of memories for me” It brought me right back to the time Matthew was first born and Terra, my parents an I were sitting in the kitchen having breakfast. I remembered looking over and there he was my son, my baby just swinging away in his swing. I remember thinking that I was in a, you have to see it to believe it moment, like is this baby REALLY swinging here in front of me, am I really a daddy now and is this just a crazy dream that I will awaken from but it wasn’t it was the real deal. That was my son in front of me completely unknowing of the world around him, things he may have to face in the future and the world he will have to survive in, to truly make something of himself. I would have never thought that what is of this family now would have come to be. As I looked through clothes today I started finding little things that would just open me up more and more, newborn diapers, the little beanie caps for infants just so many little things that just made me feel pain and happiness at the same time.

I guess the part that is hurting me most is when I started finding some of the little Christmas outfits that were so special to me. I feel like this suitcase has much more hurt in it than happiness. I am scared for the future and what it holds for my children, I never wanted them to feel like THIS is what a family is supposed to be like and it breaks my heart knowing that I fully understand what I will feel on Christmas when the 4 of us are not together. While my children may not know or understand it is me that will have to pick up the onset of pain that my children will experience as time go’s on. I dont want my children to struggle, I dont want my daughter to follow in her mothers footsteps by thinking that a man will only truly love you if they give that special “place” to them. I dont want my son to believe that for a woman to love him that he has to buy their love. I see the pain in Terra’s eyes when she comes here now to pick them up and drop them off but SHE is the one who has brought this onslaught of pain to our children, herself and me. Someone asked me the other day if I get butterflies when I see Terra I said no it feels more like hornets and I get angry because I SEEE first hand what this has done to Matthew & Ansley and it to know it didnt have to be this way breaks my inner being and makes me want to do bad things to the people who have hurt my children in such a devestating way. I may have said this in a previous blog but I went most of my life without children and NOW that I have children I could NEVER see my life without them and it breaks my heart to know that she walked away from them twice “censored” TWICE. I wouldnt do that, I couldnt do that. I can’t see how ANY parent can walk away from their own child, their own flesh and blood.

Matthew has been asking so many questions lately about Terra. Some of those questions are easily answered and some of them are getting more complex. He keeps on saying that he wants her to live here and I know that hurts him deeply when I tell him that mommy made her choice to leave and do the bad things that she has done to hurt this family. Matthew says that this isn’t his home and I try so hard to explain to him what it means to have a home and why this is his home, but he just cant grasp the fact. I wish he could understand how much I love him and Ansley and that I am protecting them as best as I can. My son knows what he wants and I believe I know what his sister wants but I can’t give that to them which means most. Ansley brought me the calendar that my mother made for us last year and on it had a picture from Ansley’s christening and it was a picture of Terra and I with Ansley over the baptism cake and we were both smiling. That was a hard picture to look at because I knew that there werent many pictures of us where we were smiling. I wish our relationship had been different I wish we were able to explore ourselves more before having children but thats not what was intended for us. I do not regret for 1 minute having children with Terra. I would have had more children with her but yet again it was not intended for us to go that distance. We never got to experience that of which many families do, Go to Disney, take a family vacation to the beach or even just take a road to trip to somewhere unknown. There are many times I wish we had taken those opportunities but it wasn’t meant to be. It seems that “our” family just wasn’t meant to be.

As my house slowly gets decorated for the most important holiday for “family” I am coming to accept the fact that I have a family of 3 instead of 4 and this family as we knew at as for so long is dead. I have tried so hard to wipe Terras memory from this home. Getting rid of any reminder of the fact that she once lived here. As I think about it more and more I realize that no matter how hard I try to wipe this slate clean, MY CHILDREN are my EVERYDAY reminder that she was here and I cant erase that. My children love her unconditionally and I told them that as long as they keep mommy within their hearts, it will NEVER matter how far away she is from them, that they will carry their love and memory for her with them wherever they go in life. Terra and her 2 sisters were abandoned by their mother when Terra was 5 years old and I know Terra is carrying around her own pandoras box and suitcase of memories within her own self. Until she recognizes that she IS her mother, she will NEVER change. My children deserve so much more than what is happening to them now and all I can do is talk to them when they want to talk, be there for them when I am needed and make it abundantly clear that I WILL NEVER LEAVE THEM! I love my children more than anything I could ever comprehend in this life and probably even the next life, I just wish they could understand why i am doing what I am doing, NOW not later. It is NOW that is hurting them, it is NOW that they feel pain, it is NOW that they feel sorrow and cry for her and don’t understand why she can’t be here. I understand why and I can’t tell them the truth.

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Chapter 12 – A Broken Reflection

As I type what will be chapter 5 of my blogs I am talking to a person that has become a much different kind of friend to me than I have ever had before. This person has experienced the worst kind of loss that any parent could ever imagine, or at least any parent that cares about their child(ren) could ever imagine. My friend has lost 2 of her children, babies no less and as I looked through the pictures of the 2 children she lost I felt a deep sense of loss for this family that had to endure this devestation twice. I told her that she is stronger than I could ever be. There is no way I could ever cope with the loss of 1 of my children let alone 2. The one picture I looked at that hit me hardest was captioned “A father says goodbye” No father should ever have to say goodbye to their child! Why is life so cruel to take a person that has done NOTHING wrong, but continue to leave those who rape, murder, cheat and steal to walk this earth amonst those who care about their familes, love their children, struggle everyday to do the right thing and be a positive role model for the future of this world. I have come to realize that I have cried more for other people in the last month than I have for my own sorrows and loss.

I HATE to see my children in pain and I cry EVERYTIME I see them hurt, I dont do it in front of them because I am daddy and I am supposed to be strong for them but it seems like I cant even be strong for myself anymore. I am devestated when my son TELLS ME that mommy broke his heart and that he doesnt want to live here anymore or that this isn’t his home. How do I respond to that, how do I keep from hating the one that has broken my sons soul. My son and daughter used to smile ALL THE TIME now I feel blessed if I can go 1 day without tears from either 1 of them. I hate Terra for what she has done to my babies and I have found myself being a person that I NEVER wanted to be before. There are times that I look in the mirror and all I see is a broken reflection of the person I once was and I “censored” g hate it with all my heart. I have NEVER hated so much at one time in all my life. It is breaking me down and I know my children feel it because IIIIIIIIIIIIII sweat it from my pores when Terra is in front of me and my children are crying because of her. Children have the innocence of not knowing what hatred is, but the humanity of being able to experience sorrow in the worst form, and that is loss and abandonment.

As Christmas draws closer I am having more and more trouble being able to keep my thoughts together. I cannot sleep, my mind races throughout the night. I have woken up in cold sweats many times in tears or on the verge of tears. My children are my constant reminder that it doesnt matter how young or old you are, how thick or thin you are, how tall or short you are, sorrow comes in all forms, shapes and sizes. I see my children in CONSTANT pain and it breaks my heart EVERY “censored” G DAY. I am trying to deal with the constant struggle and inner conflict of being able to be civil to the one that has hurt them most. Is it wrong to wish HELL on someone? I am trying so hard to believe that it is wrong and I am trying to see past it, but take the opportunity to look into my childrens crying eyes when they are faced with the memories of what once was. I want to believe that hatred is wrong, I want to feel that hatred is wrong, but I cant, no matter how hard I try with all my heart I cant. I look at the BLACKNESS in my daughters eyes as she screams unconsoliably for the 1 person who abandoned her twice and yet she still finds reason to love the person who hurt her most. Maybe children truly are stronger than we believe them to be. My children are stronger than I am because THEY are able to give love unconditionally through all their pain, all their sorrow and all their inner hurt to a person who deserves nothing less than……………….

I slowly feel my humanity slipping away, which means that maybe my sorrow is slowly slipping away also. I am becoming that of which I NEVER wanted to be. I feel as though I am drowning within my own anger with no outlet except my hatred and rage to try to channel into something better. The truth is there is no better! I feel what I feel for a reason. It is because I am daddy and mommy that I feel confusion but what I DO KNOW IS THIS, I am DADDY FIRST I am the protector of MY 2 children and I WILL protect my children even if it means MY LIFE OR DEATH and in a small way I feel it leaning torwards that more and more as each day passes. Let this be a warning to those who come torwards my children in a bad or threatening way, I will “censored” g kill you with the most extreme hatred that BOTH parents can feel at once for the love of their child against those who may hurt the ones they love MOST! I WILL be asked by my family to take this blog down but I wont SO DON”T ASK, because this is who I am and this is what I have now become. I am not me anymore so dont try to change who I have become. MOST parents feel the way I do but just wont say it out loud. I have the balls to say it and make it known. DON”T “censored” WITH MY CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Chapter 13 – The Blood in Their Tears

My heart breaks more and more every day that I have to watch BOTH of my babies in pain and suffering. I want so bad for this feeling to leave my body but all it does is burn deep within me. What is the cost of a childs happiness? What is the cost to alleviate their pain? These are THEIR childhood years and I never wanted them to become statistics, I NEVER wanted my children to come from a broken home. I feel as though everything around me is being destroyed. My family has been destroyed, my childrens happiness has been destroyed. The sad part of it is, which I have only recently admitted to myself, I AM partially responsible for my childrens sorrow, I wish with all my “censored” heart I had never let Terra come back. I look into my childrens eyes when they cry, scream and beg for their mother to come home and my soul breaks inside EVERY “censored” G TIME. I “censored” hate this. I wish I didnt have to face Christmas. I wish there was no Christmas. Christmas was my favorite holiday for “family” and it still should be but its not. Now I feel like I am taking what Christmas used to mean to me and butchering its meaning because of my hatred, resentment and bitterness let alone sorrow and anger. All I see when I look at them is pain and suffering but maybe im just looking at myself in them and because it hurts so much thats all I see. I truly feel like I am working against myself. What is it about the past that some people cant let go of. My whole life I grew up with my mother, father and brother as 1 unit. We didnt always see eye to eye but I felt that sense of security amongst those who I loved most. I find myself trying to hold on to a lost dream of that of which was family. I am trying to see so hard that I can have a family of 3 but I still just cant see that big picture that I spoke about in an earlier blog. I always wanted the best for my children and to let them have that sense of security that I grew up with. Someone once said that the greatest gift you can give your children is to love their mother, but I have been there and done that, went to hell came back got “censored” over and now my children pay the price and THEY are IN HELL. Terra has made it impossible for me to ever love her again through her selfish actions alone. I never thought aout being mommy and daddy but now that I am faced with it there is no other choice but to be both. No matter how hard I try I cant seem to find that inner peace within my soul to be able to let all of the regret of things that I have done go, or keep thinking about things that I could have done differently. I find myself questioning and second guessing myself more than ever. I feel like I am lost on this deserted road with no light to guide me. My children are not the light and I cant use them as a tool to help me through what it is I face on a daily basis, It is IIIIIIII that MUST help them but I don’t know how. I have always said that I would sacrafice my happiness for my children but I never truly thought it would come to that. I don’t regret doing it at all. If it is one thing I have learned from all of this it is There is NO prosthetic for a childs broken heart. I hear almost daily that my sons heart is broken and that it IS mommy that broke his heart, and its sad when there is NOTHING I can do to comfort him. There will be a day when ANY single parent may be faced with the questions of “Why didnt daddy/mommy love me” “Why didnt daddy/mommy stay” “Did daddy/mommy leave because of me” These questions will be the hardest in the wold to answer. EVERY answer you give MUST be an age appropriate response, unless he/she is old enough to know the truth, then tell them THE TRUTH. I have been through more pain in the last 6 mos than in my whole life, and Whatever my destiny is it remains to be seen. There is SOOOOOO MUCH I wanted for family but at this time I can see it wont happen, maybe its not meant to happen for me, As long as my children grow up to be respected by people and loved and cared about and they return those great qualities I will have done my job as a parent, as a daddy and as a mommy. I AM scared of what the future holds for my children and myself. I see the pain and despair behind their eyes and it destroys me and it has made me into someone I never wanted to be. I find myself being stolen by demons that plague what society is today. I am more hateful than ever before because of what my children go through on a daily basis. I cry EVERYTIME my childrens hearts break because Terra leaves and you can see it in their tears. I cry for my children almost daily, some days are better than others, some days im stronger than others. Overall though I have been made into someone I never was before, and its eating a hole in everything that has ever made me good in this life. I am my childrens ship meant to take them safely to wherever they must go, I just wish I could find that lighthouse to help us find our way.

 

Chapter 14 – Past, Present and Future

What is it about the new year that makes people want to do better? New years resolutions, new beginnings a strive to make the new year better than the last. When I woke up New years day it hit me like a freight train, my feelings, my emotions, my pains, sorrows all came to meet up with me all at once. Everybody asked me if I was ready for Christmas and I would tell them that I didnt care if Christmas came or not, and that if it didnt show up this year I wouldnt be upset. Now Christmas has come and gone so fast that with everything I have been through in the last year I almost wish I could get it back to try to make it more special more of what I remember Christmas used to mean to me. As I sit here typing this now I look at 2007 and I know it is easily the hardest and most painful year I have ever had, let alone for my children. This new years was the first year that “MY family” was not all together. This was the first New years that I didnt even have my children with me. I will not lie but I still wish my family was together, for the many years to come but the family I knew is gone and wont be together again. People say my children ARE my family and I understand what they mean when they say that I just wish there were things I could let go about my past with Terra, but when you spend so long with someone even through all the heartache and pain you still feel the loss of something that was there maybe not on their end but on my own. I sometimes ask myself, if I could relive the last 7 years of my life over again exactly as it happened would I? The bittersweet answer is I would :-..

It seems like the harder I try to do better something within me brings me backwards. Yesterday I aced my learners permit test for driving and it was only the second day of the new year, so I felt like I accomplished something and great within my life a HUGE step forward. Then the night came and as I layed down to sleep with my children my mind started going into overdrive as I drifted off into where peace and relaxation is supposed to be. People were in my dreams who shouldnt have been there, people from my past, people who brought me down and made me into someone I never wanted to be. I could feel the sadness and mental anguish in my dreams as I looked at some of these people wondering what could have been had they been a different kind of person to me. What if they had been different people would I have acted different torwards them. I KNOW I am responsible for my own fate, live by the sword die by the sword ya know. I knew Karma had come to punish me for all the wrong things that I have done in my life but it appears that 2007 was just the beginning of what karma had in store for me and as long as I still feel this pain and sorrow within me I know im still paying for my sins and other bad things that I have done in my past, and there have been MANY. I have become so unsure of my own self that even with a new year I am still unsure of who I am and who I may be 5 years from now. I am afraid of the future and what it holds, like Christmas I feel myself not caring if the future comes or not and when the future officially comes and goes I will look back and wish that I had done what I needed to do to make it better.

There is so much that I am facing now and that I am about to face, I MUST face my past as not to live and dwell in it, I must accept the future for whatever it brings my children and I as I have no way of stopping the future from coming and I must do what I have to do to TRY to make it better. The reality is, life is a tug of war but not just on 2 ends, it is in ALLLLLLL directions and I feel like I am being torn apart from more directions than I have to give. I understand what my mother & father meant by it is always easier to do the wrong thing, because I am trying so hard to do the right thing for my children, for my family, for my myself, for our lives together and ITS SO “censored” HARD. I have always taken the easiest way out of things, no matter what it came to. I took on the responsibilty of my children because I AM THEIR DADDYand I KNOW what they mean to me, I KNOW I love them more than anything I could ever comprehend, but now I feel like I was dropped out of an airplane in the middle of the atlantic ocean and I dont know which direction to swim. This is not how I wanted to start the new year, but I guess all things take time to right themselves and all wounds take time to heal. What if some wounds arent supposed to heal, maybe they are meant to stay open as not to make the same mistakes twice. I look back at some of my past friendships/relationships and as I have always been “feast or famine” within my own life I also applied that with people whom I once cared about and even some of the ones whom I care about now. I never compromised, I always wanted things my way and I want to sever that part of me as it has played a role in the destruction of the life I knew but I cant, because I dont want to feel like I am living in something that is not really there.

To my children Matthew & Ansley

If you learn anything from me, it would be to hold on to your dreams.

Learn from MY mistakes and it will take off some of the weight.

I say you have your whole life to live and SO MUCH more to give

NEVER compromise and you will NEVER live a lie!

L.O.A

  Chapter-15 Crossroads
Current mood: Doesn’t matter
Category: Doesn’t matter

I have come to a point in my life in which i dont know whether to turn or go straight, it feels like I have come to the crossroads of which any way i go I will succeed and fail at the same time. I still deal with my childrens pain on an almost daily basis and it still to this day breaks my heart. I hate seeing that painful black in my daughters eyes and it destroys me when my son tells me that his heart is still broken. What have i done to deserve all the pain and sorrow that I am facing. Why is Karma still haunting me, my nights, my dreams and all the other good things in my life. Why is Karma bringing me so much sorrow? What have my children done to deserve this “censored” up life that i helped give them. I never wanted this for them, I never wanted them to experience this pain that I feel within me. All day today I had within my mind to give up, just give up on the 2 people who make me complete. I don’t think i can give them the life that they truly deserve. My son has so much love within him and I and his mother are taking the very BEST quality that he has to offer everyone and helping him bury it within him because of what we are putting him through. My daughter is my protege, she is who I was when I was her age and I don’t want them to live the life that I have now.

My life is filled with hurt and a relentless feeling of loss of what was once within this home. Everytime I look into their faces all I see is what I remembered them as, because I don’t want to see what they are becoming. I honestly feel that I have failed them, I have failed the 2 people I am not supposed to fail. I don’t know who I am anymore and I am constantly reminded within me of what i am becoming. I wish this would all end, I wish my life would end so I never know what happens in the future good or bad. I dont want to see the future and what it has in store for my children. They have become statistics and they didn’t deserve that life. They don’t deserve the life I or their mother give them now. I feel like I am drowing in my own self pity and lack of self worth because I feel as though I cant give my children a good life, I have the ability to I just dont have the heart to fight anymore. I wish I would die in my sleep, I wish I could just drift off into a dream of both my children happy and filled with love that they spread to those they love and never return from that dream. Every dream I have now feels so real and they are always so horribly wonderful that its like a fairy tale. I dont want this any “censored” g more. I dont want to watch the destruction of the 2 I love most. Please someone, something take this pain away from me.

Life of Agony wrote a song called Drowning and it has more meaning to me than any other song they ever wrote. I can’t go on like this anymore, this song has way to much “censored” truth and meaning to it, that it almost feels like it was wrote specially for me. There is way to much music that I listen to that brings back to many memories that I just don’t want to face. Maybe im weak and that I am broken. I let another persons actions break me, how “censored” sorry is that “censored” ? I have chosen to keep this blog private, this is the first blog that I didnt want people to know what was in my head. I want my family back, I want my children to be happy again, I want everything that my children deserve in this life to happen for them. But all I am is a “censored” failure who still to this day as I wrote so many blogs back was a waste of a “censored” man who couldnt keep his family together. When will this onslaught of “censored” pain stop? I wish my life was different, I wish I could give my children all that they need. I want my children to know as and when they get older that i did the best I could for them and that i love them more than anything in this world. They are my world but I feel that with each day that passes I fail them more and more :”””-(

Drowning-Life of Agony

I’m dieing
I’M trying
I’m crying ’cause i aint got nothing so
Dont bother trying to stop me
I’m drowning in my own self pity so
Stop preaching ’bout livin for a brighter day
You know as well as i do Praying never stopped the rain
I’ts still rainin on me
Im drownin

I’m drownin ’cause i aint got nothin so
Dont bother tryin to stop me
Im drownin in my own self pity so
Dont bother wiping these tears away
‘Cause at the end of the rainbow it still rains
It still rains on me
I’m drowning

I’m drowning ’cause i aint go nothin so
Dont bother trying to stop me
Im drownin in my own self pity so
Dont bother wiping my tears away
‘Cause at the end of the rainbow it still rains
Its still rainin on me

The hand on the clock keep pointing at me
The remote control has a mind of its own
I forgotten how long it has been
This razor blade feels closer then my own skin
Wont someone wipe these tears away
It dont matter cause nothing can stop the rain
It still rains on me

I’m drownin
I’m drowning cause i aint got nothin so
Dont bother tryin to stop me
Im drowning in my own self pity so
Dont bother wiping my tears away
Cause at the end of the rainbow it still rains
Its still raining on me

Im Drowning
Im drowning cause i aint got nothing so
Dont bother trying to stop me
Im drowning in my own self pity so
Dont bother wiping my tears away
Cause at the end of the rainbow it still rains

Life

 

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

  The final chapter-Seperate Ways
Category:

It has been so long since I have written anything of the events that have happened within my family over the last year. I feel like my life has come just short of a full circle. Terra and I have gone our seperate ways but have remained “Joined” for our children. Lindsay and I have been together for a little over 2 months and everytime I look into her eyes I know and understand why we have to meet the “wrong” people in life to be able to distinguish them from the ones you are meant to be with. It has been such a long year, many emotions, feelings, ups and downs have enriched and destroyed my life many times at the same time. I had forgotten what it was like to be happy, but as I have said before happiness is a bi-product of life because it can be experienced just as fast as it can be taken away as with sadness. It has been said that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and to a point I believe this but I also feel that the level of pain and sorrow of what is experienced can also numb you to the things that MUST be part of life. I lost my grandfather about a month ago and I felt NOTHING, no pain, no sadness just a slight feeling of regret for not letting him know that I loved him and not talking to him before he left this place to go someplace better. It hurts me to think that I have been through so much sorrow over the last year that I am not feeling the things in the natural order of what NATURE deems to be acceptable. There have been other women in my life since my family was destroyed and none of them have even come close to what I feel for Lindsay, but at the same time happiness comes at a price. Closure is what IIIII believe to be the final chapter in all the events that have been suffered in the series of events that one has suffered. This is the first time in over a year that I have been truly happy and known what it means to love and feel loved for that matter and the price of that is, I KNOW now as I “FELT” before that my family as I knew it will never be as it was. I have someone in my life that I care deep;y about, Terra has found someone new and it is now that I feel closure at its best and worst at the same time. I look back at the pain and sorrow that we BOTH experienced and it hurts to know that it was BOTH of our actions that contributed to the demise of this family. I hope that both of us have learned from our mistakes and we live our lives differently not just for us but for the true reason a family is a family which is our children. I will always have a place in my heart for Terra as I feel that she will have that place in her heart for me, but I now know and understand what it means to be in love with someone. I am in with love Lindsay and I will say it openly for every1 to read. I must remember ALL the sorrows that have been experienced to never walk that road again and to live my life for my family or even better, family to be. I want to remember what it took to get to this point and I FEEEEEEEEL the pain NOW within me with ALL MY HEART. 1 year ago I was a lost soul who watched his family crumble under his feet and now I am becoming a tree, its a small tree but everyday I grow stronger and I feel as though I have more to give. Being a small tree is so much better than being an empty telephone pole with nothing to grow off of it just the same never growing never giving back. I miss my family but everyday I spend with those in my life I care most about my roots get stronger. I thought there was no light at the end of my tunnel of sorrow and I thought there were those who entered my life who were going to be the ones to get me out but it was MEEEEEE and those who truly cared and loved me for the person that I am, good or bad that have put me on my final stretch. There is so much I want for my childrens future, my family’s future and my own future. I slowly experiencing what it feels like to feel joy rather than happiness, I believe that when my life comes full circle and I can completely let go of my past is when I will become more powerful than I could ever imagine. This may very well be my last entry in this book that I have wrote from NOTHING short of my heart and EVERYTHING I have felt along the way. I am no longer lost, I am no longer full of the hate that destroyed me from the inside out, I am no longer alone within my mind. I have finally found that mental solace that I desired for so long. It has been so long that I felt what it truly meant to feel alive and I am slowly learning it again day by day. Thank you to all who have read my blogs over the past year, offered their advice and were there when I needed you most. Until I wrote this final blog I thought I had become hollow with no emotion and feeling and now I just see that everything that makes me who I am was just misguided by own pain, sorrow and anguish. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life