Published by Southernfryedyankee on 11 Sep 2008 at 12:35 pm
I have been writing these blogs over the last year and a half. It is a first hand account of everything my children and I went through and an in depth view in my own words of what I and my children felt. I did not post these to win the bow. If I win the bow awesome, if not, then oh well. If even one person who reads this chooses to make changes in their life so that what happened to my children and I can possibly save them and their family the sorrow we felt then THAT is worth more than ANY bow in the world 🙂 I did my best to edit this over the last 3 hours so if I accidentally forgot something please forgive me.
Chapter 1 – What Really Lies beneath
As the days progress I see every dream that I once had and I wonder if it is really a possibility. I believe this is the real reason many people live their lives in a way through their children. Everything thing my parents tried to teach me I fought against and now I look at where I am today, A dead end job a dead end relationship a dead end person of who I once was. I wonder if had I listened to my family and did everything that was told to me as far as school and education would I be where I am today or would I have been a better person. I tell myself often that things will improve and there can still be real chance for family, lifestyle, relationship/companionship and anything else that the majority of humanity is seeking. I am nothing like I once was and I dont know if that is good or bad. I used to smoke weed, deal drugs, go to strip bars stay up late and the only responsibility I had was making sure the rent and power was payed and I was happy. I was happy doing ALL the wrong things and now that I have many of the people in my life that are so good and positively influencial in everything that I am, why am I so backwards. People say it is always easier to do the “wrong” thing especially for people who have done the wrong thing their whole life. I feel unfullfilled in who I am. I have 2 beautiful children and I love them more than ANYONE could ever comprehend and they alone are my motivation for moving forward but why do I feel like this. I feel confused, drained, lost and empty maybe im just a badseed by nature. I feel as though I lie to myself everyday, I say oh the “job” will get better or the “relationship” with my childrens mother will get better but they are just “censored” g lies that I tell myself one after the other to make it through one more day. If I said the ONLY reason why I am still alive is because of my children would I be wrong for saying that in someone elses eyes, I dont feel wrong I feel justified. In the last few months I have seen (not visually) more CHILDREN killed through accidents and stupidity than every death I have ever personally experienced put together. It was such a terrible feeling, that I myself felt this intense pain for people I didnt even know then it sits heavy on my heart “what if that were my children” I could NEVER live through that, I would NEVER live after that. I would be a lost soul that just prayed for death to take me NOW so I could see the only LOVE that I have ever TRULY known again which would be my children. I would give myself a life expectancy of 1 hour after the funeral before I put a bullet in my head if I lost both of my children 🙁 For awhile I was having terrible nightmares about my daughter being killed and actually witnessing it. Those dreams felt so intense and seemed so “censored” g real that I would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with a feeling of ultimate sorrow and sadness and litetrally in tears. I had a dream so bad one night about my children being killed in an accident that I woke up and actually went for my pistol that was beside me before I realized that my daughter was sleeping safely right at my feet and my son was on the couch next to me, had I not realized they were there I would have shot myself that night. I constantly try to break down and rebuild every1 of my thoughts and my emotions to channel them into a more positive direction but certain things really put me over and I develop this intolerable amount of rage so bad that I sit in front of my fishtank to calm my nerves and leave my body to try to pick up the pieces of shattered emotions and try to put them back together to make myself whole again. I have never asked for anyones sympathy nor have I ever wanted someones pity and I dont want it. I am very fortunate to have the people, family, friends, aquaintances in my life because I feel this helps make a person who they are, even to a small sense of who they want to be and who they may ultimately become..
Chapter 2- If a man
It is hard to come to grips with the end of everthing I have experienced in the last 6 years. MY family is gone, I feel like my life is gone, if a man cant keep his family together he is NOTHING, I am NOTHING. Why do people have to be so blind to think that a happy future is always a possibilty. The future is a dream that only the lucky experience because it is looked forward to. I have no desire to look forward to my own future. My life from now as it has been since my son was born, will be lived for my children. I will now let my children guide my future as they are what matters most in this world. I am surrounded by people that love me, friends that ARE family to me and I still have no desire to seek what I ever wanted anymore. I am a waste of a soul, that is empty. I am losing what has meant more to me than my own life whether I chose to show it or not. If I am to have a life from now on I hope it will be a life of happiness lived through my childrens dreams and aspirations. If they succeed in life it will be because I taught them well, if they fail it will be because I have failed them and I have NO intentions to fail. My only wish is that I find the wisdom to raise them the way that they should have been raised in a loving family enviornment. I will now become daddy and mommy when the official day comes that Terra walks out that door to explore what she really wants. I pray to god that she will keep my children safe when I cant be there to protect them or her. I dont know how to deal with this, I am scared to death. At this point in time it is the anticipation of ,when will all this will take place and how will I be when my children walk out of this home completely unknowing of what is actually happening, to them, to their future to their stability they had with me here. I will ALWAYS say that family is worth fighting for but it is impossible to win the battle when it is a single sided fight. I am now at war with my mind until all is said and done, I just hope everything I believe of in myself will be enough to allow some kind of mental solace. I have NEVER felt so lost in my entire my life. I have dealt with death, dying, depression, loss, sorrow, sadness but NOTHING compares to this feeling I have within me, the feeling of I could not be a strong enough man to keep my family together. If that is what my destiny is I might as well just keep what I have in my life and not try to strive for anything more, theres no point. I will work, I will come home to an empty house days out of the week and the ONLY thing I will have to look forward to is when I can see my children next, until then I will be an empty soul who lives the rest of my days out for the time spent with my children. That is the only peace I will ask for, that the time spent with my children will bring me back to who I once was and MAYBE search for what is missing. Until then :”’-(
Chapter 3 – The dissoloution of family
Family is ones first initial building blocks of “mortal” life and how you live. Everyone is born into a family, it is how stable that family is determines what kind of life the children will lead in life. As I type this I am losing my family as I know it and cannot come to accept it, which leads to the real question of is family worth fighting for? I ALWAYS knew it was but how far should 1 fight when there is no reciprocity from their partner, girlfriend,boyfriend, wife or husband. I fought so hard to keep my “family” together my 2 children happy even if it meant sacraficing my own happiness. I have been through the thickest of thick in this relationship and I NEVER ran out on my family, I NEVER ran out on my children. and I NEVER will. This will be the hardest lesson to live, being able to let go of what I have come to accept and love in my own way. At any time I can touch my daughters face or give my son a high 5 as he walks by me and says “I love you daddy” I want to hear that everyday for the rest of my life and see it in their eyes as I wipe tears from my daughters cheeks and comfort her because of the bond that I have built with them. We did not know if Ansley (my daughter) was going to be mine or not, the heartache and emotional torment of being afraid to get to attached only to be let down destroyed me for 9 months. I had to look at a growing belly of the mother of my first child and wonder and pray, pleeeeeeeease god let this baby be mine. After Ansley was born it took me about 3 weeks to finally make that connection and ultimate bond with her. I have been through 3 pregancies 1 of which gave me my son, 1 that gave me my daughter and one just out of pure selfishness, was terminated. STILL I stayed to keep my family together. About a year later she slept with someone else behind my back, I would have thought having an abortion a year prior would be a wakeup call to not be stupid but I was wrong. I have been put in debt, cheated on, hurt, made hollow because of this person, and yet I still want to keep MY family together. Does that make me a man or just plain stupid. I will admit I cheated on her with someone I cant erase that. Mine and Terras relationship has NEVER seemed like a real relationship should, but family IS worth fighting for regardless of whether im happy or not. My children are my world, my life, my blood that runs through my veins, my strength. I lived a large part of my life without children and now I could NEVER live a day without them. I am so sad :”-( I love them so much and this mental anguish is tormenting me to the point of exaustion. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant think. My brain is just a piece of shattered glass and im stepping on EVERY piece with bare feet. I wrote in a letter along time ago about my favorite religious story called “Footprints in the Sand” and it said
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
“LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me.”
The LORD replied:
“My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.”
Now when I look behind me I cant see ANY footprints and that is destroying everything I am now and ever was. I am lost, the only thing I have in this world with true unconditional meaning is my children. Ones that I have loved and or cared about in the past have either moved on, or just didnt feel I was worth it enough to be with. I always wanted a relationship where I would feel wanted and in turn want the other person to feel and KNOW they were wanted. I dont understand why people at my job say that I am a “Good Man” (What the hell does it mean to be a good man?) yet I have not often experienced what it was to feel wanted by someone else and if so I messed that up. My son and daughter is the ONLY 2 reasons why I am alive and they will always remain to be the only 2 reasons until the day either another baby enters my life, then I will have 3 or something terrible happens to Matthew & Ansley in which Ill just put a bullet in my head and call it a day, THAT EASY. I have so much to offer, I have so much love inside me and my children get it all. I just want that feeling that partnership of being wanted by someone other than my children. I want to feel complete, I want to feel that everything I have strived for will not be for nothing. I want a family, MY family, I want someone to love, I want to be able to show what I am capable of. Maybe thats just not what my destiny is.
Chapter 4 – Ugly
Today 6-6-07 will be the last day I spend with what I called my family for 6 years. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and get ready for work and know I will not see my children after I get out of the car for 2 months. They are going to my parents house in NY tomorrow and I will miss them beyond belief more than anyone could ever comprehend :””-( the saddest part about it is when they return they will return to a life that they will not know or understand and I dont know how they will deal with that. It seems like I learn new things about Terra everyday that I just have no desire to know. I have tried so hard to be what is considered a “MAN” and I feel like there is no one out there that can make me be who I am. What the hell is wrong with people today, I would NEVER choose another woman over my own flesh and blood. EVERYONE says that I will prevail and I will meet someone WORTH being with and WORTH loving and that they will love me because of the man that I am, I just wish I could find that in my own self and within my own heart. No more Christmas’s No more Easters, No more holidays with the “family” as I know it. I have worked,bled,shed tears,taken PAAAAAAAAAIN mentally and emotionally for the benefit of my family. Maybe I am not destined to be with anyone, maybe I dont deserve happiness, Maybe I really am a failure. The ONLY thing I do right is take care of my children and that should be the most important thing. My mother used to tell me that I will end up old and alone maybe she was right. I want EVERYONE who reads my blogs to KNOW & UNDERSTAND that ANYTHING you do to someone WILL come back to haunt you 10 fold I know this from personal experience and I AMMMMM living it as I type this blog except I feel it is 100000 fold. I try to ask myself what have I done to deserve this terrible pain and sorrow that I feel. I NEVER told someone I loved them if I didnt mean it. I have dated girls with kids and I treated them as if they were my own NEVER EVER ONCE trying to replace their real father yet I still wasnt good enough. What have I done to deserve this punishment? Life of agony wrote in one of their songs Ugly
Well I was bound to have a nervous breakdown
Should’ve seen it coming from miles away
So I packed my bags and started running
My brains been shaking since yesterday
But there’s only so far that you can run boy
There’s only so far to leave your problems behind
’cause when the problem’s yourself you start thinking
No matter how far
You’ll never leave it behind
MAYBE I am the problem, MAYBE it has been me all along, MAYBE I dont deserve to have more than what I already have. Maybe I have no destiny. What I do have is MY children and I am so torn to the fact that, that is not enough of a driving factor for me to see light at the end of the tunnel. It feels terrible to feel like I am having my midlife crisis at 29 years old. People tell me I should look at this as a new beginning but IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII have to see that for myself, IIIIIIIIIII have to feel that in my heart. NO ONE can make me see it or feel it but me. I MISS MY BABIES SO MUCH AND THEY HAVENT EVEN LEFT YET!
Chapter 5 – The BIG Picture
Why is it sooooo easy for some people to see the big picture and others cant get past their own guilt and past afflictions to want something better, hence the little picture. My big picture is my children, my future with them, their future with me. As some of you may know I am about to fight for custody of both my children. I have an good chance of getting custody but it is up to the judge to see me fit as the better parent. People tell me I should win this custody battle hands down but in all honesty is it really “winning?” if I get custody? My children will not have the life they once knew, I will not have the life I once knew. Terra is only out for self benefit, I am out to be the father that ALLLLLLLL fathers should be but why cant I see the BIG picture through this whole situation? What will happen to my children emotionally, mentally, structurely if she leaves, My son already begs her to stay at times yet she STILL chooses her friends over coming home at night to be close to her own flesh and blood. I go to work at 4am get off at 1pm and from 1pm until I work the next morning I am with my children nonstop and this situation may still not go my way because I have a penis between my legs and from what I was led to understand SC is a womens state. I carried my children while Terra was pregnant maybe not physically but definitaly EMOTIONALLY & MENTALLY. Does that make me not as close to them as her. I had to take a questionairre to be put on their birth certificates and I have been here since day 1, Terra hasnt been, she should have taken that “test” NOT ME. Ansley was harder to have that initial bond with because we didnt know if she was going to be mine or not and I still carried both of them in my heart, body and soul yet they say the maternal bond is stronger. I dont drink, I dont do drugs, I come home to my children EVERYDAY after work unless Im helping a friend with something but I still return home TO THEM. Terra doesnt even come home some nights, she doesnt even call, she stays out drinks, smokes weed and CHOOSES her “freedom” over her own children. She said she was leaving to make HERSELF happy, to make HER future better, she was doing this for HER, where the hell are Matthew & Ansley in that equation yet I could still lose my only happiness that I have because IIIIIIIII AM NOT THEIR MOTHER. I have been mommy and daddy to both of my children as I will continue to be until I die and even then after. I am so afraid to be a single father of 2 children, I am so afraid I may find out that I am not the parent I should be. People say when you are officially faced with that scenario I will KNOW exactly what to do, I have always been strong minded and I cant understand why I am in conflict with myself. If my children are with me they will go to school, do their homework, have little snacks when they get home they will have a LIFE & A FUTURE. My children will be loved and NEVER made second best yet I still feel like I am being consumed by my own guilt and sorrow. Is it so wrong to have wanted a family of my own so bad that it has literally carved a DEEEEP canyon in my head and it seems everything falls into that canyon. I come from an incredible family, my parents have been angels in my corner I can NEVER repay that. I constantly think how terrible it is that I had to move so far away to have the relationship with my father that I always wanted. I am afraid that I may follow that same guideline of what I knew and understood growing up. I never want my children to feel that they have to move away to be closer. My father has been my biggest supporter and I can honestly say friend through this ordeal. He doesnt speak to me like he used to maybe he sees more in me than I see in myself. I cant wait till they move here, that will mean so much to me and my children. I want to be with them every Sunday for dinner with my children. I wanted my children to have that with the family they had here but there is NOTHING I can do about that now. Everyone tells me to just let her dig her own grave and bury herself yet I have this unrelenting urge to keep Terra safe NOT because I want her, NOT because I love her, Not because I am acustomed to her being here it is because SHE is MY childrens mother and to keep them from growing up without a mother I feel I must protect her, when should I give up on her, if she hits rock bottom my children may never see her again either because of death, drugs, alcohol, selfishness, freedom and I dont want that to haunt their dreams when they sleep or come to me and ask me why doesnt mommy love them or whyyyyyyyy doesnt mommy want to see them anymore, how do I answer such a heartbreaking question. She has become so incredibly fake that now when she Matthew tells her he loves her and she says it back she looks at the neighbors to see if they hear it or if they are watching her say it back, she KNOWS the neighbors are supporting me, she KNOWS her family is supporting me, she KNOWS she has NOOOOO LEGS to stand on, maybe she wont even fight for them as MANY people think. I could NEVER not fight for my children, I could NEVER walk away from my children. If the judge asked me if I wanted a paternity test I would say I dont need a test like that to tell me who MY children are EVEN if there was even a piece of a hint that they werent mine biologically, THEY ARE MYYYYYYYY CHILDREN and they will ALWAYS be raised as MYYYYYYYY CHILDREN. IIIII am who those children have, IIIII am their life, their guidance, their structure, their safety, their provider, their stability, their friend, their companion, their unconditional love, their piece of mind, their happiness, THEIR DADDY and when the time comes I WILL BE MOMMY ALSO!!!!!!!!!!! I feel Terra gave up that honor when Matthew begged her to stay home one night and she left anyway to go be with her friends FORGET HER! I have NEVER pawned my kids off on any1 I went out out once in 3 years and she couldnt even stay with them 1 night without finding a babysitter so she could go out also. I have NEVER regretted having children. I used to hear from her that she was no good and she just wanted to give them to me and leave, she said on many occasions she wasnt ready to be a mother and that she should just kill herself, WTF kinda BS is that? I have been honored to be my childrens father since I found out she was pregnant. I will be honored if I ever become a daddy to another child EVEN if that child is not my own. I am the result you get from coming from a GOOD family. My parents raised a MAN who stuck through the THICKEST OF THE THICK,who tried to keep his family together at any cost and NEVER ran away like a “censored” g coward. Forget ALL of you deadbeat piece of garbage sperm donors AND sperm banks out there you gave up the highest honor in the world, BEING A DADDY OR A MOMMY, FORGET YOU ALLLL!!
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